The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Dos and Don'ts
by Albert Russo

Once the golden calf was burnt, Mo had the gold grounded up, dumped into the river, then he forced them to drink the water. They got so sick, they all threw up and filled the whole place with diarrhea, both upstairs, out of their noses and ears, and of course, downstairs, as you can imagine. Phew, they soon wallowed in a brown cloud of mega stink!

“That will serve you right, miscreants, you’re no better than the stinging red ants you hate so much.” Mo told them, adding, “I have to go back and ask Goddess to forgive you, bunch of shlemiels, hoping She will be magnanimous and take you back.”

Mo did as he was told, after which he descended the mountain with a new pair of shining tablets. Not only did he come down with the Ten Commandments, but Goddess had given him a long list of Dos and Don’ts - later on She added more than 600 of them -, as well as a plan to build a tent-house in which the Israelites could worship Her.

They spent many weeks of hard work until the Sacred House got finally erected with, in the middle of it, the Holy of Hollies. Since only the grand priest could enter there, no one knows if what he saw looked like the Folies Bergères (the famous Parisian show with naked broads). That’s probably also where the Holy Cow and the Holy Ghost came from, making the Holy Mary pregnant with Jeeesus. Jeezette, did I tell you that I couldn’t believe such nonsense?

I will never understand how so many people, even them that have PhD’s, pray the Virgin Mary whenever they feel threatened, either in their job or their couple, after their wifeys have discovered that they had been spending ‘business’ evenings with pretty secretaries.

After a string of punishments and pardons meted by Goddess (stop it already you critics, yeah I’m 12 and I know some of the words Shake‘m Pears uses, it ain’t my fault if your daughters talk like country bumpkins?) - that’s how She liked to spend her time with the people She chose, like they were Her toys, similar to the blowup dolls grown-ups buy nowadays for their setchual shenanigans - the Israelites found themselves living in a country they could call theirs.

They had some of the greatest kings of the region, like David, Solomon and much later on Herod, who was a real mamzer - a cruel, double-faced monkey who also built the biggest and most swifistickle Temple, to replace the first one that had been destroyed centuries before.

Talking of kings, did you know that Queen Elisabeth claimed that she hailed from the line of King David? Her name comes from the Hebrew Elisheva. What’s strange though is that most of them royal families in Europe are proud of that biblical heritage, and at the same time, they fought against the Jews from the very beginning of Christendom.

Return To This Writer's Story List And Biography