The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Dog Talk & Ripov/2
by Albert Russo

Whenever Mrs. Lippincott lost at a bridge game, she'd throw her partners out, swearing like a fish-monger. She'd become even more impossible since she'd started dating the Marvin boyfriend. Was the man civil with Toby? No, just plain indifferent. And there was nothing Toby disliked so much as indifference.

The Lippincott person adamantly maintained he was jealous of her Marvin friend. Manshshsshsh!

Had Toby's relationship with his mistress always been so painful? Not when Toby was a pup. The Lippincott creature couldn't do enough to pamper her sole sweetheart. For reasons which still escape Toby, she likened men to the pig species. And Toby was put on a pedestal, belonging as it were to the superior canine caste?!

No, no, those were indeed heavenly times for Toby. The Lippincott person would parade with her sweetheart. taking him to parties, cocktails, shows, you name it. To top it all, Toby garnered several beauty contests and he even appeared on the front page of Dog World, earning himself the coveted Dog-of-the-Month title.

After that, the Lippincott creature had a nervous breakdown. (It sometimes happens to authors after their first bestseller). Now that Toby had reached maturity and could no longer participate in contests, his mistress would call him a good-for-nothing, a 'spoiled brat’, and other such insulting names. So that was it!

Ripov felt quite moved after hearing Toby's story. A bright idea suddenly struck him. He and Toby talked it over and they both finally came to the same conclusion. Ripov knew a wonderful old couple who longed for a companion like Toby to retire with in Bermuda.

But the day Toby landed at Hamilton Airport, already sniffing the spicy fragrances of his new home, Ripov was sitting in jail. The Lippincott person had wanted to kill Ripov and the kitten he had offered her in exchange for Toby's freedom. Instead, she called the police. That's what happens when people confuse dogtalk and gibberish.