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Doctor Grimm
by Albert Russo

Our former Trumpeteer-in-chief, on the other hand, kept repeating that the Cowvid was for the birds, until the Fat Dodo got it himself; while Sleepy Biden, to frighten both himself and the American people, announced that there were already 220 million dead. Wa wee wo wee, as Borat xclaims, the guy who came to America quasark naked for make benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan by strutting around in a G-string, all the while shaking his whatchitmacallit, the shameless sexy hus ! - that’s the masculine I invented for hussie, coz there are many more husses than hussies. I can vouch for that, after hearing all the historical antidotes my uncle tells me before we go to sleep - yeah they are my bedtime stories, and the grimmer they are the better - hey, does that word come from the Grimm Brothers? Coz I’ve read some of their fairy tales which scared the daylights out of me when I was younger. And they had nothing to do with homeysetchuals - coz before becoming gay, the homos were called fairies.

My uncle loves to stay at home, specially after the long hours he spends at the post-office, where you can’t stand ten minutes without customers complaining and barking at the same time - yeah, in France, we often get angry when things take too long or are not the way we expect them to be. We have what’s known as grandes gueules (big and loud mouths). Indoors, where he feels he is the Queen of the house, he struts around in a wide embroidered bouffant kimono over silk jammies with mastroiannic designs, and wears bright yellow babouches, all of which he brought back from our trips.

As for our Eytalian Gnochi alla carbonara, he started opening the main tourist attractions for the visitors of the world, forgetting that Italy was the most crowned of all Europe, with a death rate I’m too ashamed to reveal here.

Now WHOOOOM should we listen to? The doctors who are punching each other’s noses, calling their apples and pears liars and fabulators, or the crowds gathered at the Trocadero esplanade, facing the Eiffel Tower, mooing like herds of constipated bulls and exhausted cows.
“That pandemic is the fig of the governments’ trashination. No mask, no lockdown, go back to work, lazy bums, and you, the pig wigs, we know you are having a ball, dancing and celebrating behind the doors of your palaces, all the while you pass speedy gonzales laws that stop us from living normally. We know your philosophy all too well: put the bejeezette fear into the populace and they’ll do whatever you order them.” Bunch of Mega shlemiels!

Lookie here, guys, if you don’t want your grandparents to conk out because of you, wear your mask (including OVER your nose) and wash your dirty hands at least 13 times every time you come back home. Capish? You’d better, orrr else, Goddess knows what will happen to you!

Excerpt 3 from CORONA ZAPINETTE by Albert Russo