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Cut The Baby In Two
by Albert Russo

David who was a young shepherd and also played music fought singlehanded the terrible Philistine Goliath, killing him with just a sling and a stone, became the first king of Judea and Israel. He had the reputation of being a poetical womanizer, on account that he wrote many beautiful songs and psalms that resulted in him having an unconscious number of con-cue-bines - some of them broke their bones, they were in a such a hurry to get to him.

Solomon, his first born succeeded him. But unlike his father, he reigned with poise - this has nothing to do with poison, even if the ancient Greeks and, later on, the Romans, especially the ladder, loved to slip poison powders in the chalices of their kith and kin or their enemies in order to take power. King Solomon was highly respected for his sense of justice and his wisdom.

I love the story of the two women who pulled each other’s hair and ears, almost tearing them off, because each one of them claimed to be the mother of the same baby.

Before there was a real murder, they were both brought in front of the king. There, they weren’t allowed to fight, so they just hurled insults to one another, saying:

“It’s my baby, you claim it because yours died and you don’t want to admit it”.

Seven forks and ding dong, till it gave the king a bad headache, coz they were screaming so loudly and spitting, producing drizzle around them.

“Will you stop your rigmarole, the two of you! Shut up and listen to me!” King Solomon commanded, “Will you be satisfied if I give you each half of the baby?”

“Wa wa da ye mean?” asked the two mothers at the same time.

“I mean, I shall cut the baby in two so that you’ll both be appeased.” he replied.

One of the mothers suddenly beamed and shouted: “Yeah do that, your majesty!”

When the king lifted his spade and was about to split the baby in two, the other mother gave out the wail of a wounded lioness and became spastic.

“Noooo, don’t … give the baby to that witch, let it live, even in those terrible hands.” she bellowed now like a pregnant cow.

King Solomon knew then that the bawling woman was the baby’s real mother and tho her screams almost deafened him, to the point that he had to slap both of her cheeks to quieten her down, growling “she … ket (which in Hebrew means ‘silence’), enough already!”, he helped her get up, coz she had fallen flat on her stomach, almost licking the king’s toes - too ridiculous for words, but that’s how it was in them olden days when you wanted to show respect and especially avoid having your head chopped off.