Cousin Tuk in
Durban 7
by Albert Russo
When my uncle and I finally
left Bollywood Planet, all sweating and full of
rage - me, not him, he didn’t know whether
he was coming, going or dreaming his worst
nightmare, coz in cases like this, he tries to
make himself as unobtrusive as possible, and if
he could, he would as soon disappear inside
Aladdin’s enchanted lamp -, I turned my back
to those two smooching lovey-dovey bozos, without
so much as a goodbye, they deserved worse, like a
mega punch on their heads with the heaviest pan
you could get out of the kitchen of that
delicious restaurant.
When I woke up the
following morning, a beautiful tin box with an
assortment of toffees and pecan fudge awaited us
downstairs at the reception. A note came with it,
saying: “Will you forgive us? A thousand and
one hugs from Tuk and Panty.”
Of course, I couldn’t
resist all that candy and got a tummy ache on
account that I ate so many of them without taking
a single breath. What do you do when the fudge
just melts in your mouth, spit it out? Hey I ain’t
no maze-o-kiss.
After having swallowed a
dozen digedrills - it’s a French
medicine that helps you settle your insides, and
outs too! coz I was running non stop to the loo
and back; yeah and wipe out that stupid grin off
your face if you don’t want me to put you on
a roasting skewer! - Tuk and Panty came to fetch
us and we all went to the beach.
Jeezette was it good to
swim in that warm Indian Ocean, frolicking like a
friggin’ cork, then jumping as the waves
came crushing against you. I was so intoxicated
that, without realizing it, I soon found myself
all alone in the sea. Suddenly a guy grabbed my
arm so hard that I began to scream : “Help,
help, there’s a nut trying to kidnap me!”
“Shut your clap, you
stupid girl’” the big brawny jock
hollered back, hurting me even more, “I’m
a lifeguard!”
It’s only ten minutes
later, with a sprained arm, my mouth all twisted,
with new tics that made me look like some retard,
for having bellowed like a cow on the verge of
being slaughtered, that I understood what the
fuss was all about. I had gone over the safety
line, beyond which the sharks were swimming, ie.,
just across the huge net that separated us,
innocent lil folks, from those dangerous man-eaters.
My uncle was trembling so
violently you could hear his teeth and knuckles
chatter something awful, and he soon looked like
an unplucked turkey ready to be cooked for
Thanksgiving, but which was still trying to
escape from the executioner’s knife.
From
the GOSH ZAPINETTE! series (15 episodes in all)
Excerpted from Zulu Zapy wins the Rainbow Nation,
by Albert Russo.
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