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Cousin Tuk in Durban 2
by Albert Russo

I must admit, Tuk is a sight. His hair is dyed a straw yellow, with ginger locks, and here and there, vivid red spikes, that give out a dayglo sheen. He dresses John Galiano style and wears perfume by Jean-Paul Gaultier. He would make an excellent fashion model on a Paris catwalk. He’s also beautifully manicured. His nails shine so brightly that when you stare at them you begin to see stars. His lover, Panty Patel, is much more subdued, but also very cute. He has a magnificent shock of jay blue hair which he wears slightly gelled. You’d think you were in the midst of Van Gogh’s starry night. He smells of patchouli and has incredibly long eyelashes which would make any woman dead jealous. You can hardly hear his voice he speaks so softly. Contrary to Tuk who almost looks like a Christmas tree - oh a very fashionable one, I must say -, Panty wears a dark grey suit, with a pale blue shirt and a silver-colored tie. You could mistaken him for a young businessman of the City (of London, you nerd). But where did he get that stupid name from, Pant? Why not Pantyhose then! If he wasn’t already engaged to Tuk, I wouldn’t have minded being his girlfriend, coz he’s my type all right. As a felinist I believe girls should also have the right to make advances, that privilege is no longer reserved to machos! Maybe I will after all try to lure that sweet little Patel behind Tuk’s back. In any case, he’s so full of himself that new cousin of ours, that he wouldn’t see it coming. So why not try, right? Panty looks like one of those handsome actors of a Bollywood movie. I should ask him to teach me to dance Indian style and to move my fingertips like I was going to stick them into an electric outlet. Goddess is love complicated? Ok, enough fantasizing

As if on cue, Tuk suggested: “How about if we all went to ‘Bollywood Planet’, it’s brand new and very hip. There, you’ll meet full of beautiful people, local as well as from overseas?”

“That sounds very nice,” replied Unky Berky, “but Zapy and I have had a very long, though interesting day, and frankly, we’re both a little tired. Wouldn’t you know a smaller, quiet place?”

“But I’ve had a two-hour nap, that’s more than enough to recuperate!” I retorted, throwing daggers at that killjoy of an uncle. “I’m ready to accompany you”, I added, addressing the two boys, then turning again towards Bonka, I said, with my croaking voice: “You can go to bed, I won’t mind, I can see, your eyes are all red.” Then half withpering, so as not to appear too much of an ass, I asked Tuk: “Do you think Brad Pitt and Keanu Reeves might be there, incognito?”

From the GOSH ZAPINETTE! series (15 episodes in all)
/9//21 Excerpted from Zulu Zapy wins the Rainbow Nation, by Albert Russo.