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Cousin Tuk in Durban 1
by Albert Russo

Cousin Tuk came around 8.30, along with an Indian friend of his. When my uncle realized that it was his lover, his face took all the colors of a kaleidoscope. I wanted to lol, the scene was so funny, specially since I cottoned to - what a ridiculous English expreshun that is! - the two boys immediately, on account that they were both good-looking, smelled delicious and appeared to be so happy together. They were also dressed very trendily, Tuk, a little too risqué - I could see the bulge downstairs, as well as his nipples sticking out against his polo shirt. Well I never! (another Brit expreshun - the phonier they sound, the more I want to use them).

Though my uncle is a closet homey - gay ain’t a word I find appropriate in his case, coz my uncle doesn’t look gay at all, on the contrary he is often sour-faced -, and I don’t believe he’s done anything in his whole life, meaning that it’s all in his head and nothing where it’s supposed to be; actually I think he’s afraid of sex, which I believe he confuses with concrete art, something we both dislike intensely.

What I don’t understand with growl-ups, is why they kick up such a fuss where setchual matters are concerned. Like religion, sex oughta remain private, and should be none of anybody’s business, except of course, if you do pig stuff with kids, then they, the growl-ups deserve the heaviest punishement the law metes out - yes yes, that’s a verb. Strangely enough, my uncle, being a closet whatnot, is ultra-conservative, as opposed to his darling lil niece. For instance, he thinks drag-queens should be locked up in nut-houses or at least join the clowns in a circus - “They have tits like airbags”, he says, not even with a smile, “how gross, and they dare strut in public, swinging their behinds like prostitutes!” He also disapproves of Gay Pride parades, saying that to see young guys, however handsome they are, with bare buttocks and jock straps, exhibiting themselves in front of all and sundry, is disgusting, not to mention the transetchuals who press their inflated bazooms like they want to distribute milk to the onlookers. And last with no leash, he doesn’t believe gays should marry, even less, become parents. By the way, and if you haven’t understood it yet, I think his ideas are full of cock and bull and belong to the Middle Ages.

Oh I love how Tuk is so outgoing and exuberant; when he wants to make a point, which is every second sentence, he talks with the high pitch of a castrato - you know, them poor guys who had their balls cut off in order to be able to sing like women - what a custom that was, thank goddess it’s not allowed nowadays. That is when my uncle wants to disappear beneath the table.

From the GOSH ZAPINETTE! series (15 episodes in all)
18/9//21 Excerpted from Zulu Zapy wins the Rainbow Nation, by Albert Russo.