Course Golf
by Ian Curtress
Became tired
and stressed playing dominoes, inclined to cheat
when playing myself so asked my friend Will for
ideas. He said try an outdoor pastime like golf.
I wasn’t
too impressed as I had no idea of the rules of
the game. The only bit I had seen on tv was men
in fancy jumpers bashing something out of a sandy
hole. Why not pick it up?
Anyway, to
make a short story long, I called into our local
club and found my way to the Professionals den/shop.
Can’t say there was an immediate welcome and
was soon passed to the third minion. “Can I
help he said, looking down from his ivory tower”.
I briefly
explained why I was there which obviously did not
impress.
“Basic
equipment would firstly be a Putter” What is
that for I asked.
“The club
for use on the green” Now I was already
baffled.
I thought the
course was all green.
“The
green Sir is where the hole and flag are placed”
“You will
need a bag for your clubs”
Do you need
more than one club then ? I naively queried.
“Yes. You
want clubs for you short game”. I suggested
this was if you hadn’t much time?
Exasperation
was creeping into his voice as he made a comment
under his breath.
“Different
clubs are required depending on the distance you
wish the ball to travel”
In my
innocence I asked why were the holes not all the
same distance so that one stick oops sorry, club
would be enough.
He pretended
not to hear that and swiftly said “ and of
course you need balls”
Now this was
red rag to a bull. I don’t talk about my war
service but my balls were steel.
I was a
paratrooper when we were needed so quickly there
was little time for training .
We had a
parachute strapped on, taken to five thousand
feet, shown where the rip cord was and pushed out.
This was where the term free fall came from, as
the sergeant said when he pushed you out “There’s
no charge”
Seeing my
expression of indignation and confusion he
quickly and sarcastically said those little round
white things with indentations.
To which I
sarcastically replied I was not in the habit of
checking for design features, as long they worked
ok I was happy enough.
“You will
need teas” he said. The first time he has
seemed human and I smiled and said that would be
welcome, milk no sugar.
This he took
as a joke and kindly advised this was where you
placed your balls.
It was at this
point I felt we were ready for an audition for
the London Palladium, but kept my cool.
Brief details
of the object of the game I sanely requested.
“You hit
the ball from the tee and get into the first hole
in the minimum number of shots.
On our course
it would be four. “Not a difficult hole but
avoid the bit of rough on the left”
I suggested
indignantly that was an uncalled for remark.
Sorry I said.
I didn’t know you were referring to the long
grass.
My comments
reached a new low it appears when I suggested
those sand pits should be filled in as they
spoiled the view.
He made a
studied look at his watch and in his best sixth
form voice said “and of course you will need
a Driver.......don’t ask!
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