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Course Golf
by Ian Curtress

Became tired and stressed playing dominoes, inclined to cheat when playing myself so asked my friend Will for ideas. He said try an outdoor pastime like golf.

I wasn’t too impressed as I had no idea of the rules of the game. The only bit I had seen on tv was men in fancy jumpers bashing something out of a sandy hole. Why not pick it up?

Anyway, to make a short story long, I called into our local club and found my way to the Professionals den/shop. Can’t say there was an immediate welcome and was soon passed to the third minion. “Can I help he said, looking down from his ivory tower”.

I briefly explained why I was there which obviously did not impress.

“Basic equipment would firstly be a Putter” What is that for I asked.

“The club for use on the green” Now I was already baffled.

I thought the course was all green.

“The green Sir is where the hole and flag are placed”

“You will need a bag for your clubs”

Do you need more than one club then ? I naively queried.

“Yes. You want clubs for you short game”. I suggested this was if you hadn’t much time?

Exasperation was creeping into his voice as he made a comment under his breath.

“Different clubs are required depending on the distance you wish the ball to travel”

In my innocence I asked why were the holes not all the same distance so that one stick oops sorry, club would be enough.

He pretended not to hear that and swiftly said “ and of course you need balls”

Now this was red rag to a bull. I don’t talk about my war service but my balls were steel.

I was a paratrooper when we were needed so quickly there was little time for training .

We had a parachute strapped on, taken to five thousand feet, shown where the rip cord was and pushed out. This was where the term free fall came from, as the sergeant said when he pushed you out “There’s no charge”

Seeing my expression of indignation and confusion he quickly and sarcastically said those little round white things with indentations.

To which I sarcastically replied I was not in the habit of checking for design features, as long they worked ok I was happy enough.

“You will need teas” he said. The first time he has seemed human and I smiled and said that would be welcome, milk no sugar.

This he took as a joke and kindly advised this was where you placed your balls.

It was at this point I felt we were ready for an audition for the London Palladium, but kept my cool.

Brief details of the object of the game I sanely requested.

“You hit the ball from the tee and get into the first hole in the minimum number of shots.

On our course it would be four. “Not a difficult hole but avoid the bit of rough on the left”

I suggested indignantly that was an uncalled for remark.

Sorry I said. I didn’t know you were referring to the long grass.

My comments reached a new low it appears when I suggested those sand pits should be filled in as they spoiled the view.

He made a studied look at his watch and in his best sixth form voice said “and of course you will need a Driver.......don’t ask!