Checkup TOO
by Ian Curtress
I’m back with our
surgery now. BUPA wanted a second mortgage on my
house just for an appointment.
To get back to the update. I received a call from
a very nice Receptionist who said I was to be
refurred. Now I’m not the sharpest knife in
the box I know but I thought somethings amiss.
Refurred? Surely this is a Vets procedure for cat
mange
She patiently explained I was to receive an
appointment to see a Consultant, or to use a
medical term. God.
In due course I received the letter. My presence
was required for an audience with He who shall be
obeyed in Outpatients..
I attended on time, where I proceeded to talk to
a robot for ten minutes, answering questions on
everything from inside leg measurement to colour
of the lipstick I was wearing and finally granted
access to the waiting room where twenty four
chairs were provided for fifty nine patients.
Fortunately, the girl on my lap was anorexic
By the time I was called I needed a shave. Then
joy, I was shown into a side room followed by….No
not the MAN but a disciple. Probably the warm up.
Now I am easy going but become very annoyed when,
if you haven’t holes in the knees of your
trousers and wearing shabby trainers you are
considered senile.
This young man had developed a rather long nose
down which to look Now there's no need to worry
about hospitals he said condescendingly. For an
opening gambit I was both baffled and irritated.
Thought, I won’t play an ace, try a drop
shot.
I don’t worry about hospitals I replied, it’s
the procedures going on in them which can cause
some apprehension.
Puzzled look. Nose wondered if I might have a
little grey matter left. Thought I’d play a
real cross court beauty while he was wrong footed
Do the police have to be present at a cardiac
arrest, I asked
Before he could bounce his balls I followed with.
My neighbour has been in and out of hospital for
months Could never get the hang of revolving
doors.
Game set and match.
The nose retired hurt!
Then the big moment..
A man came in looking like an MI5 agent and
introduced himself as
Mr. Grahams . Now this was where my Medical
Knowledge let me down.
I politely asked why wasn’t I seeing a
doctor. He was very understanding and explained
he had qualifications which gave him the right to
be called Mr.
I won’t dwell on this, just take my word for
it.
Now another anomaly. I am sent to see a hospital
doctor, sorry Mr. and the first thing he asks is.
Now what’s wrong with you ? Didn’t look
surprised when I failed to answer.
Do you know where the bile duct is located he
asked. I was dying to say under the red bridge on
the canal but feared I would be charged with
treason.
Showed me a diagram, wished I hadn’t had
that second egg Kept my mouth shut for obvious
reasons.
Sometimes we get stones lodged in there. Why We ?
They have to be removed . A little operation and
nothing to worry about. I thought. No, not for
you. You’re on the safe end of the knife.
Depending on their shape we may let them pass
naturally. So what I suggest is we have an MRI
scan. There’s that “We” again
After that life changing statement he disappeared
Back to his code breaker and invisible ink I
expect.
Nurse came back in and said I was lucky, Mr
Grahams is top of the tree. Longed to say if he
branched out he could be called a doctor.
Have you ever had an MRI scan. They strip search
you, didn’t mind that as haven’t been
abroad this year. Clamp your head. No. It’s
not erotic! then an Ex.Submariner stuffs you into
a torpedo tube.
You hope they will fire you quickly but it sounds
as though they can’t get it started. Knowing
things are tight in the NHS you worry if they
bought this one on eBay.
Many attempts are made to fire it up but heavy
metal sound is not reassuring. Then they slide
you out as if you are a dud.
Fortunately they are letting my stones find there
own way out.
I wish I could say the doctor has finished with
me but he’s are like a dog with a bone I
have to make a further visit about a Mole.
Can’t find much in my Medical Dictionary.Google
says they can spoil your lawn. The expertise of
our Doctors never ceases to amaze me.
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