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Checkup TOO
by Ian Curtress

I’m back with our surgery now. BUPA wanted a second mortgage on my house just for an appointment.
To get back to the update. I received a call from a very nice Receptionist who said I was to be refurred. Now I’m not the sharpest knife in the box I know but I thought somethings amiss. Refurred? Surely this is a Vets procedure for cat mange
She patiently explained I was to receive an appointment to see a Consultant, or to use a medical term. God.
In due course I received the letter. My presence was required for an audience with He who shall be obeyed in Outpatients..
I attended on time, where I proceeded to talk to a robot for ten minutes, answering questions on everything from inside leg measurement to colour of the lipstick I was wearing and finally granted access to the waiting room where twenty four chairs were provided for fifty nine patients.
Fortunately, the girl on my lap was anorexic
By the time I was called I needed a shave. Then joy, I was shown into a side room followed by….No not the MAN but a disciple. Probably the warm up.
Now I am easy going but become very annoyed when, if you haven’t holes in the knees of your trousers and wearing shabby trainers you are considered senile.
This young man had developed a rather long nose down which to look Now there's no need to worry about hospitals he said condescendingly. For an opening gambit I was both baffled and irritated.
Thought, I won’t play an ace, try a drop shot.
I don’t worry about hospitals I replied, it’s the procedures going on in them which can cause some apprehension.
Puzzled look. Nose wondered if I might have a little grey matter left. Thought I’d play a real cross court beauty while he was wrong footed Do the police have to be present at a cardiac arrest, I asked
Before he could bounce his balls I followed with.
My neighbour has been in and out of hospital for months Could never get the hang of revolving doors.
Game set and match.

The nose retired hurt!

Then the big moment..

A man came in looking like an MI5 agent and introduced himself as
Mr. Grahams . Now this was where my Medical Knowledge let me down.
I politely asked why wasn’t I seeing a doctor. He was very understanding and explained he had qualifications which gave him the right to be called Mr.
I won’t dwell on this, just take my word for it.
Now another anomaly. I am sent to see a hospital doctor, sorry Mr. and the first thing he asks is. Now what’s wrong with you ? Didn’t look surprised when I failed to answer.
Do you know where the bile duct is located he asked. I was dying to say under the red bridge on the canal but feared I would be charged with treason.
Showed me a diagram, wished I hadn’t had that second egg Kept my mouth shut for obvious reasons.
Sometimes we get stones lodged in there. Why We ?
They have to be removed . A little operation and nothing to worry about. I thought. No, not for you. You’re on the safe end of the knife.
Depending on their shape we may let them pass naturally. So what I suggest is we have an MRI scan. There’s that “We” again
After that life changing statement he disappeared Back to his code breaker and invisible ink I expect.
Nurse came back in and said I was lucky, Mr Grahams is top of the tree. Longed to say if he branched out he could be called a doctor.

Have you ever had an MRI scan. They strip search you, didn’t mind that as haven’t been abroad this year. Clamp your head. No. It’s not erotic! then an Ex.Submariner stuffs you into a torpedo tube.
You hope they will fire you quickly but it sounds as though they can’t get it started. Knowing things are tight in the NHS you worry if they bought this one on eBay.
Many attempts are made to fire it up but heavy metal sound is not reassuring. Then they slide you out as if you are a dud.
Fortunately they are letting my stones find there own way out.
I wish I could say the doctor has finished with me but he’s are like a dog with a bone I have to make a further visit about a Mole.
Can’t find much in my Medical Dictionary.Google says they can spoil your lawn. The expertise of our Doctors never ceases to amaze me.