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Cain Settles Down
by Albert Russo

When the televangelists pray, they bowl over, left and under, hit their chests, squash their bazooms as if they were scrambled eggs, and get into a transe - it’s a kind of spastic dance -, letting out mastodon farts that can be suffocating. Why else do you think so many of them faint, thrashing about like them beheaded chickens you see in Voodoo rites?

After having roamed the desert for an unconscious number of years, being kicked by hungry camels and pricked by a zillion bugs, that made him look like he was the inventor of that Swiss cheese full of holes called Emmenthal which is finger-licking delicious when it’s still soft - only, in this case, his whole skin, from face to foot, was punctured and cracked because of the heat, Cain seemed to have been covered with pimples and boils when he was a child.

He eventually settled in an oasis shaded by three sickly and dry palm trees, and in which flowed a tiny river. Nod was the name of the place and the Bible adds that he found a wife and started a family.

Cain then built the world’s first city which he named Enoch, after their first son. Now, hear this: the ladder lived … 969 years. Was he then a descendant or the ancestor of the dinosaurs?

The day you decide to open that big wolf of a Book, remember it’s really an encyclopaedia, with lotsa do’s and don’t’s, legends, fantastic stories, poems and songs, but also with quite a few true facts. I realize that the Balihoo too is full of holes, on account that many of the stories follow other stories, with no head nor tail, like above.

Apparently Goddess took pity on Eve and Adam and let them have a third son, to replace the kind and unfortunate Abel. Beth was not only a good guy, but he spread love and flowers around him. Around what and who, ok … whom? Where were the people? In Woodstock where love was free?

This Holy Hole of a Book is also fulla Goddess Almighty lashings and punishments - what an intolerant Duddess she was! Nowadays She would be mightily ridiculed by the remaining Charlie Hebdo caricaturists, and no one would dare protest, at least by murdering the culpricks, unlike them horrendabablous goons who killed so many of the magazine’s artists because they portrayed their prophet as a warmonger. You should have seen some of these crazy people screaming “Death to the West!” across the world, burning churches, stores, cars and flags, murdering innocent people, publishers and Infidels in general - that’s us, who don’t believe in ‘Allah Akbar the Splendiferous’ or in Muhammad. And since I don’t go for no friggin religion, I would be fatwaed in all three of them - the monomaniac ones. These folks confuse Freedom of expreshun, with ‘Freedom to burn and Kill’. Even the most disgusting beasts are more humane than the Goddess forsaken manimals who hate and eliminate anyone who doesn’t think like them.