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Cain's Punishment
by Albert Russo

After Cain had disposed of Abel, smashing his head, dealing it furious blows with a heavy branch he had cut out of a tree, he saw so much blood flowing out of his brother’s skull, he thought he had just created a miraculous red fountain, - jeezette, he was such an ignoramus, he knew nothing of the human body (it’s called anatomy, Anna and Tommy have nothing to do with this).

A booming voice suddenly exploded in the atmosphere.

“Whhheeere is your broooththther?” asked Goddess.

“I ain’t my bro’s keeepperrr! - he bawled, taken aback by that decibellish echo falling on his head as if from a black hole - the last word sounded like that delicious smoked fish ‘kippers’ that I loooove eating at breakfast whenever we visit good ole England.” He couldn’t even speak properly.

“From now on, you shall roam the world aimlessly”, She went on, drilling into his eardrums, “with a tongue dry as bark and tummy aches that will give you permanent diarrheas, not letting you a single moment of rest, and this until your death, after which I will put your tongue on fire, burning whatever food you try to eat, turning it into ash.”

Wow wee, a more formidabbabble and awesome punishment cannot exist, I’m sure!

It’s probably what awaits the Islamic terrorists who believe that as martyrs, after they have murdered scores of innocent people, 72 virgin belly dancers will serve them delicious couscous and honey cookies, then sing them lullabies till they go to shluf, dreaming of roses, peanut butter donuts - some of them used to gorge themselves on this stuff when they lived in America - game meat and birds of paradise.

Now, what bothers me here is, who Goddess punished so abdominably? The Jews of yore, forced to wander the earth forever, or the Christians and the Muslims of today?

If it was the Jews, why then did She say that they were her Chosen People? What kinda invertebratish decision was that? Was She that sadistic, or did she use them for S&M - I much prefer m&m’s, they melt in your mouth rainbowish - , playing hooky for 2000+ years?

Goddess, I am now addressing YOU directly and expect a candid answer, if you want me to give you an ounce of respect, coz this kind of behavior ain’t worthy of ‘You know Who’ - I’m supposed never to pronounce Your Name, on account that you are the Holiest of all the holy cows that deplete our ozone, with their mega farts - another of Your sick inventions! But since I am made in Your image, I can speak to You as an equal, no offence intended, just being democratic is all.

Hey, Supreme Goddess, how about if we joined as partners? You from on high, with a mega view of our planet - surely you must miss some details, even with your telescopic eyes -, whereas I would fill you in with the necessary info. And we could both improve life here for all and sundry.