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Bless Isaac's Heart
by Albert Russo

You should know that the Esau was hairy like an orang utan, whereas Jacob’s skin was as smooth as that of a baby’s tushy.

Rebekah, who was a clever cookie, told her favorite son to wear his brother’s fur robe, so that Isaac would think it was Esau who was standing in front of him.

And the trick worked. Blessing Jacob, his father told him that Goddess would give him glory and richness, that his people would serve him, and, washmore, that the Nations of the world would bow down to him, bringing all kinds of goodies, like goats and camels galore - there weren’t cows then, the bullshit would follow centuries later.

Esau who had gone to hunt, brought a plate of finger lickin’ meat he had prepared for his father.

“Who are you?” asked Isaac.

“Your favorite son, Esau, daddy!”

Aware now that he had been tricked, Isaac felt betrayed, he nevertheless told Esau: “I’m sorry for you, son, but once I give my blessing I cannot take it back. Your duty from now on will be to serve your brother, the new leader of our people. And for that purpose, I’ll give you my sword. Use it in good faith to defend him in all circumstances.

Remembering what his wife had told him about the problems between their two sons, Isaac sent for Jacob. Ashamed, the laddie sniffled and burped, without being able to udder anything that could make sense. But Isaac felt sorry for him, in spite of the fact that he had lied, and ordered him to go to his uncle in the desert and find himself a wifey. It was a way to save him from the wrath of Esau, coz that guy wanted just one thing: take revenge and kill his brother.

Trudging in the scorching desert, Jacob became anorexic and depressed, washmore, he believed he would never see his parents again, specially his beloved mother Rebekah.

It was night now and, exhausted, he fell asleep. That’s when he saw a long shining stairway, reaching to heaven. Dozens of angels were climbing up and down the stairway like it was a conveyor belt. They made sweet and whooshing noises, and soon these noises became the voice of Goddess. She promised to protect and to bring the young man back home again safely.

Open your ears, coz this story is full of tricks and tricksters. Wowie, this must surely be the way the mafia began. Jacob finally met with his uncle Laban and fell head over heels, almost breaking his toes and losing one of his wisdom teeth, in love with his younger daughter Rachel. Laban said ok, but only if he accepted to work hard for him for seven years. Sweating and spitting sand grains - he was perspiring so much that he didn’t realize he was pissing too, staining his working robe something too disgusting -, Jacob tended to his uncle’s large herd of sheep.