Bless Isaac's
Heart
by Albert Russo
You should know that the
Esau was hairy like an orang utan, whereas Jacob’s
skin was as smooth as that of a baby’s tushy.
Rebekah, who was a clever
cookie, told her favorite son to wear his brother’s
fur robe, so that Isaac would think it was Esau
who was standing in front of him.
And the trick worked.
Blessing Jacob, his father told him that Goddess
would give him glory and richness, that his
people would serve him, and, washmore,
that the Nations of the world would bow down to
him, bringing all kinds of goodies, like goats
and camels galore - there weren’t cows then,
the bullshit would follow centuries later.
Esau who had gone to hunt,
brought a plate of finger lickin’ meat he
had prepared for his father.
“Who are you?”
asked Isaac.
“Your favorite son,
Esau, daddy!”
Aware now that he had been
tricked, Isaac felt betrayed, he nevertheless
told Esau: “I’m sorry for you, son, but
once I give my blessing I cannot take it back.
Your duty from now on will be to serve your
brother, the new leader of our people. And for
that purpose, I’ll give you my sword. Use it
in good faith to defend him in all circumstances.
Remembering what his wife
had told him about the problems between their two
sons, Isaac sent for Jacob. Ashamed, the laddie
sniffled and burped, without being able to udder
anything that could make sense. But Isaac felt
sorry for him, in spite of the fact that he had
lied, and ordered him to go to his uncle in the
desert and find himself a wifey. It was a way to
save him from the wrath of Esau, coz that guy
wanted just one thing: take revenge and kill his
brother.
Trudging in the scorching
desert, Jacob became anorexic and depressed, washmore,
he believed he would never see his parents again,
specially his beloved mother Rebekah.
It was night now and,
exhausted, he fell asleep. That’s when he
saw a long shining stairway, reaching to heaven.
Dozens of angels were climbing up and down the
stairway like it was a conveyor belt. They made
sweet and whooshing noises, and soon these noises
became the voice of Goddess. She promised to
protect and to bring the young man back home
again safely.
Open your ears, coz this
story is full of tricks and tricksters. Wowie,
this must surely be the way the mafia began.
Jacob finally met with his uncle Laban and fell
head over heels, almost breaking his toes and
losing one of his wisdom teeth, in love with his
younger daughter Rachel. Laban said ok, but only
if he accepted to work hard for him for seven
years. Sweating and spitting sand grains - he was
perspiring so much that he didn’t realize he
was pissing too, staining his working robe
something too disgusting -, Jacob tended to his
uncle’s large herd of sheep.
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