Biltonging
by Albert Russo
What I will now suggest
will drive the pharmacuticle industry
beserk (they certainly ain’t cute), coz my
idea of a start-up is bound to give them fits of diary-ahh
and ratatata machine-gunning farts.
To save the lives of future
cattle, them clever Israeli scientists have just
invented a way of obtaining beef meat, without
killing animals. How’s that for a miracle,
coming from the Holier-than-Thou Land?
By growing cow cells, they succeeded in producing
lab-grown burgers, as lekker as the best-tasting
meat in the world. Are you following? Wake up,
this is wowingly important for all of us,
and particularly for those of you who gulp down
food like hippopotamissus . Coz, due to
your compulsive eating, you cause many more cows
to be slaughtered. There is one big problem that
still has to resolved though. Did you know that
cows and bulls are the greatest whoopee farters
of our planet, depleting the ozone even more than
cars and planes? The same Israeli scientists
oughta take care of this before we begin to
wallow in and start fainting from the stinkstorms
of bullshit that will reach our cities.
Back to lab-grown burgers
and their enormous benefits. There will be no
more cattle holocaust and bloodletting.
The labs will grow prime
natural low-cal beef.
No more crying over sweet
lil calves being industrially butchered and whose
meat is so mmm … ten ten ten der.
But here comes the best (for
us consumers) or the worst part (for the pharmacuticles
and the greedy surgeons).
When I was in South Africa,
my Bibendum-shaped Boer cousin Kif kept chomping
on something that was dark red and stringy. When
I asked him if he was chewing gum, he guffawed
and minutes later he came back from the pantry
with what I believed was a piece of bark. He then
handed it to me and said:
“This is the best lekker
biltong you will find in the country. We
make it right here at home, using the finest rump
beef. After you get all the blood out, you cure
and smoke it and then let it dry for at least
three days, sometimes even a whole week. Come on,
taste it and tell me what you think.”
It looked a bit disgusting
to me, specially after his explanation. I
hesitated for a while then started munching on it
very slowly, and the more I munched, the more I
liked the stuff, tough and stringy as it was. You
soon get addicted to it and keep chewing cowwise
like there?s no tomorrow, which gets on your
bloomin? nerves, so much so that I felt like
pinching my uncle every now and then, as a
preventive measure, coz he always eventually
comes out with some cocky bulldog story
that drives me up the wall.
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