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by Albert Russo

What I will now suggest will drive the pharmacuticle industry beserk (they certainly ain’t cute), coz my idea of a start-up is bound to give them fits of diary-ahh and ratatata machine-gunning farts.

To save the lives of future cattle, them clever Israeli scientists have just invented a way of obtaining beef meat, without killing animals. How’s that for a miracle, coming from the Holier-than-Thou Land? By growing cow cells, they succeeded in producing lab-grown burgers, as lekker as the best-tasting meat in the world. Are you following? Wake up, this is wowingly important for all of us, and particularly for those of you who gulp down food like hippopotamissus . Coz, due to your compulsive eating, you cause many more cows to be slaughtered. There is one big problem that still has to resolved though. Did you know that cows and bulls are the greatest whoopee farters of our planet, depleting the ozone even more than cars and planes? The same Israeli scientists oughta take care of this before we begin to wallow in and start fainting from the stinkstorms of bullshit that will reach our cities.

Back to lab-grown burgers and their enormous benefits. There will be no more cattle holocaust and bloodletting.

The labs will grow prime natural low-cal beef.

No more crying over sweet lil calves being industrially butchered and whose meat is so mmm … ten ten ten der.

But here comes the best (for us consumers) or the worst part (for the pharmacuticles and the greedy surgeons).

When I was in South Africa, my Bibendum-shaped Boer cousin Kif kept chomping on something that was dark red and stringy. When I asked him if he was chewing gum, he guffawed and minutes later he came back from the pantry with what I believed was a piece of bark. He then handed it to me and said:

“This is the best lekker biltong you will find in the country. We make it right here at home, using the finest rump beef. After you get all the blood out, you cure and smoke it and then let it dry for at least three days, sometimes even a whole week. Come on, taste it and tell me what you think.”

It looked a bit disgusting to me, specially after his explanation. I hesitated for a while then started munching on it very slowly, and the more I munched, the more I liked the stuff, tough and stringy as it was. You soon get addicted to it and keep chewing cowwise like there?s no tomorrow, which gets on your bloomin? nerves, so much so that I felt like pinching my uncle every now and then, as a preventive measure, coz he always eventually comes out with some cocky bulldog story that drives me up the wall.