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Egyptland
by Albert Russo
Thank Goddess - here, for
once, we can thank Her -, because Mo was as
nimble as a bumble bee and as swift as Spiderman,
and he flew away from the deadly beast before it
could strike him.
All of it happened so fast
that Mo’s shadow remained stuck behind a
dune. It was too scared to follow him. Yeah,
these things do happen, when least you expect
them, specially in the desert where there are
mirages, you know, them belly-dancing images that
appear when you’re sweating something too
terrible and your eyes piss stinging tears mixed
with snots, flashing video clips of the movie
‘The Ten Commandments’ or ‘Cleopatra’
with the beeyootiful Elizabeth-eight-marriages-Taylor
to your brain.
All of this gave Mo a
terrific migraine, yet, he did hear the strong
words of Goddess, whooshing in his ears : “Now
you know, so do as I say, orrr else … Move
your butt and go to Egyptland and deliver My
People!”
Aaron and Mo trekked all
the way back to the country of the pyramids and
confronted pharaoh, demanding that he free the
Israelites. Furious that anyone would have the
guts to give him orders, the ladder
ordered his guards to treat the Hebrew slaves
even harsher, forcing them to work 48 hours a day
- you don’t get what I mean? Tough luck.
The poor Heebies
were so distraught and exhausted - I didn’t
say ‘exterminated’, nitwit, though many
died of overexertion. (Yeah, my uncle taught me
all these shake’n peerish words,
and you might as well learn them too if you want
to become civilized dudes and dudesses and stop
confusing kitties with critters) - they blamed
Moses for their ordeal and cursed him until their
tongues lolled out of their mouth like lizards’
tails ready to fall off, when they slough their
skin.
Discouraged by the reaction
of his people, Moses complained to Goddess who
told him to cut out the shenanigans and return to
pharaoh.
At first the king thought
that Moses came to ask for mercy.
“No, Your Fair
Holiness - that’s where FairHo comes from,”
answered the Fallen prince, “I want to show
Thou the power of our Goddess.”
To prove he was dead
serious, he threw his staff to the ground with
all his might, hurling it at the Holy feet, and
in its place a long, hissing snake started
crawling, darting its fangs toward pharaoh’s
big toe. Holy farts were being heard that pushed
the critter away.
FairHo called for his
magicians, on account that they carried balefuls
of snakes. Wasn’t He flabbyghosted
when Mo’s serpent gobbled all of them alive,
and soon tripled its volume all the while the
snakes battled inside its stomach, grumbling till
their last breath.
Still FairHo wasn’t
impressed and wouldn’t free the Heebie
slaves. Finally Moses let his wrath explode and
asked Goddess to act. Jeezette Almighty, when She
gets mad, you’d better either obey, hide or
run for your life.
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