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Second Tour
part 2
by Will Nuessle

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Mission Five: Equipment Check

Near the end of what has been a delightful family trip, Team BABIES will need to reconvene at the airport to repeat the flying excursion in the other direction. While Alpha is busy doing something very important,[1] Bravo will attempt to locate shoes for Charlie. After thirty minutes’ search, she will have found three separate left shoes and zero right shoes. For this mission to be considered a success, Charlie will need shoes on both feet for the duration. Mission will not be considered a fail if both are left shoes.[2]

Mission Six: Forced Entry

Upon returning to home base from vacation, Team BABIES will discover that they are once again locked out of the house, this time thanks (inadvertently) to Charlie. To complete this mission successfully, Alpha must gain entry to the domicile without breaking anything.[3]

Upon completion of this mission, Team BABIES will receive an extended shore leave. All Team members are encouraged to rest while they have a chance.

Mission Seven: Diplomatic Negotiations

Welcome back, soldier. At 2130, a.k.a. Sunday evening, Alpha will be re-installing Charlie’s car seat in his personal vehicle when he will be briefly detained by a pair of security officers (i.e., policemen.) Despite the fact that Alpha is putting something into a vehicle rather than taking something out of it, the officers will still require his license and registration. Regardless of how tired and irritated Alpha may be, mission is considered a fail if what is going through Alpha’s head comes out of his mouth and he is forcibly removed from the premises.

Subsequent to this mission, Team BABIES will receive a new member, hereafter referred to as Delta.

Mission Eight: Religious Observance

Team BABIES will dress, eat and arrive at Sunday services by 0830. As Bravo is auditing a financial class, Alpha will have sole charge of one-month-old Delta. (For the sake of Alpha’s sanity, Charlie will be in childcare.) Due to general lack of sleep, Alpha will discover that he has no milk, diapers, burp rag or fresh fatigues in Delta’s size. Delta will, however, still require clothes and food. Emergency rations will be available; mission is considered a fail if Alpha cannot figure out how to combine a 4oz packet of formula with a 2oz bottle. Mission is not considered a fail if Alpha leaves a bit of a mess in the church bathroom.[4]

[1] Just because I can’t remember what doesn’t mean it wasn’t important
[2] Mission was not a fail
[3] Mission was a fail
[4] Alpha still feels terrible about that, BTW

Excerpted from 'Fire at Will II: Will Tell Jokes for Food'

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