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At The Paris Gay Pride 1
by Albert Russo

Unky Berky and I went to Montparnasse to join the Gay Pride March. I had never seen so many people in the streets having so much fun. My uncle has always refused to attend the Bastille Day festivities, which, as you may not know, commemorate the choppings off of Louis the Sixteenths and Marie-Antoinettes heads.

According to Unky Berky all the thieves of France and Navarre - that's an expreshun to remind Americans that this here country was once the mightiest in the world, especially under the rule of the Sun King (who had nothing to do with Kung Fu), the perpetraitor of Versailles - congregate on the 14th of July to take revenge on the government and their peers, making it Pickpocket Day Galore.

Talking about la France éternelle, in order to protect their language against Mickey Mouse and MacDonald Duck talk, the French Monastery of Culture have passed a new law prohibiting the use of furren words like 'Oscar' (the Hollywood type), 'computer' or 'brunch', at the risk of being heavily fined. I do hope they will continue to let me eat my cheeseburgers in peace, and not withdraw my French passport, coz if you remember, I have two nationalities. With all them new laws hitting furreners (do I have to repeat to you that I am also half American?), especially them poor Arabs and Blacks whom the National Front accuse of stealing away their menial jobs - maybe these fascists believe that ghosts will sweep the streets for them or scoop their dog's poop, since they themselves would never stoop to such basely disgusting tasks. They also cant stand Muslims and Jews on account that they have their pre-pukes cut off. Between you and me, I think this tradishun stinks, even if Americans do it too: it's supposed to be high-genic, I call it high barbaric. Thank Goddess neither Unky Berky nor lil Peter have had to be pre-puked on account that Roman Catholics believe in preserving the foreskin, unlike Jesus who was circumcised a week after he was born, on the first of January of the year zero hundred - now go understand that! As it is, my uncle is setchually devious, could you imagine what it would be like if, on top of it, he had been a pre-puke orphan?

For the first time in my life I saw what real drag queens looked like. One of them was blowing kisses right, left and centerfold, clicking her tongue with loud and juicy smacks sos to attract the attention of all and sundry - and no, it wasn't Sunday! There were also guys walking on high heels, parading quasark naked, except for a flimsy teenie weenie G- string that hung on their front bulge - some of them were the size of melons, though I'm sure they were fake, coz only elephants have them that big. They weres yelling: "Gays 'r us, rah rah rah. Vive l'amour des assholes, Vive les homosexuels"

From the GOSH ZAPINETTE! series (10 episodes) published by
Excerpted from Zapinette in Gay Paree, by Albert Russo.