An Open Letter
to Mystic, Connecticut
by Bob Iozzia
Dear Mystic,
Connecticut,
How’s it going?
The only time I met your acquaintance was several
years ago. Sort of. I’m sure I would have
been impressed by the beauty your chamber of
commerce claims you have if it wasn’t for
the thick fog blanket that covered everything,
including my mood (because of your thick fog
blanket that covered everything).
I remember thinking back then that the fog could
be misunderstood to be mystical by some
superstitious and naïve people if they also
squinted and hyperventilated for a minute or two,
and that’s why your founding white men named
it like they did. I made a mental note—misplaced
for many years and recently found—to return
someday if I ever became superstitious, naïve
and needed the services of a mystic.
But after hours of online research on Gaggle,
Bong and Nudist Colonies near Me, guess what? I
discovered that you don’t have any mystics!
That would be like if Hooker, Oklahoma didn’t
have any of what it’s named for.
And another name-related gripe: your state has a
ridiculous name. Most people pronounce it “Cuh
Net a Cut,” but it’s spelled like it
should be pronounced “Connect Tick Ut.”
Not for nothin’, but it’s fortunate
that Tucson, Arizona is not located in your state.
Imagine how confused travelers passing through
town would be when they’re listening to the
radio and the announcer was a literal name-pronouncer.
“Today’s weather in Tuck Sun, Connect
Tick Ut will be early fog, followed by afternoon
fog, followed by late fog. Say, who else is
hungry for pea soup?”
“Tuck Sun, Connect Tick Ut?” the
travelers might yell in frustration at their car
radios. “How did we miss the exit for To
Sahn, Cuh Net a Cut? Must be this damn fog
blanket that covers everything. Oh, well, we may
as well stop somewhere and ask for directions
… and maybe get some pea soup if we can see
our way through this fog blanket that covers
everything.”
So, way to go, you liar. You have only two names
and each one is wrong. Maybe you should hire a
mystic to advise you how to get out of your fog.
Sincerely yours truly with warm regards (not),
Bob Iozzia
P.S. I have a name change suggestion for you:
Peace Oop (get it?)
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