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An Open Letter to Mystic, Connecticut
by Bob Iozzia

Dear Mystic, Connecticut,

How’s it going?

The only time I met your acquaintance was several years ago. Sort of. I’m sure I would have been impressed by the beauty your chamber of commerce claims you have if it wasn’t for the thick fog blanket that covered everything, including my mood (because of your thick fog blanket that covered everything).

I remember thinking back then that the fog could be misunderstood to be mystical by some superstitious and na´ve people if they also squinted and hyperventilated for a minute or two, and that’s why your founding white men named it like they did. I made a mental note—misplaced for many years and recently found—to return someday if I ever became superstitious, na´ve and needed the services of a mystic.

But after hours of online research on Gaggle, Bong and Nudist Colonies near Me, guess what? I discovered that you don’t have any mystics! That would be like if Hooker, Oklahoma didn’t have any of what it’s named for.

And another name-related gripe: your state has a ridiculous name. Most people pronounce it “Cuh Net a Cut,” but it’s spelled like it should be pronounced “Connect Tick Ut.”

Not for nothin’, but it’s fortunate that Tucson, Arizona is not located in your state. Imagine how confused travelers passing through town would be when they’re listening to the radio and the announcer was a literal name-pronouncer. “Today’s weather in Tuck Sun, Connect Tick Ut will be early fog, followed by afternoon fog, followed by late fog. Say, who else is hungry for pea soup?”

“Tuck Sun, Connect Tick Ut?” the travelers might yell in frustration at their car radios. “How did we miss the exit for To Sahn, Cuh Net a Cut? Must be this damn fog blanket that covers everything. Oh, well, we may as well stop somewhere and ask for directions … and maybe get some pea soup if we can see our way through this fog blanket that covers everything.”

So, way to go, you liar. You have only two names and each one is wrong. Maybe you should hire a mystic to advise you how to get out of your fog.

Sincerely yours truly with warm regards (not),
Bob Iozzia

P.S. I have a name change suggestion for you: Peace Oop (get it?)