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A Felinist Bible
by Albert Russo

I never told you that I would go over the whole Bible for you, I ain’t your priest. For you lazy bums who go to church every Sunday and keep parroting words of which you understand zilch, I advise you to buy a fully illustrated Bible, so you get some notion of what I’m talking about and stop miss-inter-pratting what the original Heebies wrote. Most of you still believe the Jews killed Jesus, when it was the Romans who excruxiatified him. I bet you didn’t even know that he, like his mom Mary and his dad Joseph - who wasn’t his real dad, but that’s another story - were also Jews.

I wrote that before, but it seems that you can’t repeat it enough. The proof is in the porridge - yuk I hate that plate, it looks like marsupial vomit -, instead of respecting our Jewish brethren and sistern, there are more and more bloomin’ antisemites in our Western universities. What a bunch of ignoram-asses - and here I include them hifalutin woke (which is the opposite of being awaken) proffffesssors who think they’re so smart!

What I’m most concerned in is the heroines of this most unholy book - yeah there are too many instances when the MCPs illtreat their better halves, believing they’re sooo soop-ee-ry-err. Look how the poor lassies live in Iran or in Saudi Arabia today! Why do you think I’ve replaced god with Goddess? It’s a man … manshsh … who supposedly wrote the first lines of the bible, and along the centuries other gross munchies continued scribbling stories, twisting the truth. Monks spent their lives copying them and so did the imams. And you trust them? Never mind that the ladder certify that the Kuran came from Allah hisself. Next time I go to Israel with my uncle, I’ll proclaim myself Saint Zapinette on Christmas day before all the pilgrims of Nazareth and Jerusalem.

Ahhh, so it’s ridiculous, hey! How about Napoleon who decided he would become emperor, crowning his Josephine by the same token, with the most expensive diamond tiara, only a few years after the French Revolution which was believed to end all them royal nannyties and aristocattish shenanigans. To those of you who are naught in history, I’m not talking about Josephine Baker, the famous dancer who left America in 1925 because of racism, you ninny, tho Napo’s wife was also half black, and if you didn’t know it, she came from Martinique.