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by Albert Russo

In Balihoo times, since they didn’t have clocks or precise calendars, one year seemed such a long time that some people thought a hundred years had passed. They would count the number of moons they lived through, but most of the time, they couldn’t be bothered and forgot about the real time.

Life went on, season after season, and Job’s family and his descendants stopped believing in their ancestor’s Goddess. So it was that the now numerous tribe who had settled in the city of Ur on the river Euphrates were adoring many gods.

One night a man named Abram was struck by a lightning, he suddenly froze and thought for a split second that he would be transformed into a piece of iceberg. Every fibre of his body seemed conked out except for his ears. He then heard a rasping voice whose echo made the earth under his feet tremble, which spoke his tongue.

“I’m your one and only Goddess and from now on you shall stop bowing before all those sinful goldoraky impostors who pretend to rule the world. Leave your family behind and this idolatrous country and go with your wife to the new land I have reserved for you. I will make of it a great nation, for there, you will raise a new family, multiply and prosper. On condition that you will remember at all times that I, and only I am your creatress.”

The icicles that started to melt over Abram’s body turned into sweat, on account that he became terribly confused. His wifey Sarai (pronounce it Saraeee) stood shellshocked and completely bambiboozed, like she had guzzled a whole casket of wine.

Upon hearing the news, Abram’s old father got into a fit of rage and forced the poor man to take him and his nephew Lot along, with all their idols.

So it was that they all trotted to a place called Haran - hey don’t confuse this with the Arabic word haram, which means forbidden. If you open your eyes, nowadays every third grocery store in France is halal, i.e., it doesn’t sell most of the Western food forbidden by Islamic law. Mmm … do I love all that forbidden food, like pork filet mignon, smoked ham and suckling pig - yeah, I said that before, but that’s how much I relish all this stuff, hey my mouth is watering already!

Now, Mr Abram was recognized by the flock traveling with him as their master, on account that he was a big and imposing guy, with eyes which could throw darts at anyone who would contradict him. So they followed him, trudging through plains and deserts under a scorching heat for days on end. They became nomads and some of them got really mad - crazy, not fulla rage, you simpletons -, though … some of them did get both meshugah and fuming, which is always a very dangerous mixture, specially since in those days they didn’t have sigh-kayak-trysts to lock them up.