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Abel and Cain
by Albert Russo

Poor Eve and Adam were now living in the desert where it was hot, barren and full of bugs, with dangerous animals roaming the area, leaving so much dung behind them that they had to stuff their nostrils with cannabis not to pass out, the complete opposite of the place in which they were created, a place of eternal Spring, with birds of all colors, singing better than Madonna, with the sweet smells of maple syrup, cinnamon and flowers, with gazelles licking their hands, and with all the natural foods that our supermarkets could never cater. This is what the Balihoo tells us.

Ok, let’s not be too confrontational, the story is cute, even if it’s unbabblelievable. I could have written it at age four, never you mind.

The couple had two boys, Abel and Cain. Abel was as soft and pure as a honey-chil’-baby, and took care of his lil lambs with so much love that they became his best buddies this side of the scorched earth - this is what hell must have looked like, without running water, electricity or aircon.

Adam who preferred Abel to his brother, made him promise that he would offer Goddess the best member of his flock. Abel said yes, of course, he would obey his father and please Goddess, but that made him cry so much that he had to use half of the leaves of the only tree they possessed to wipe his eyes and his nose - no, he didn’t wipe what you’re insinuating, you clot!

Cain, on the other hand, was as jealous as the second best dancer of the Bolshoi Opera House - which they say has the best ballet performers in the world; it’s Russian and it has nothing to do will a ball game for shy players! - who dreamt of twisting the legs of the prima ballerina or even of pushing her under the subway train, in order to replace her.

When they became adults, seeing how his brother was praying to Goddess, sacrificing the fattest lamb he owned - Abel was sniffling while doing this, but mmm … grilled, it must have had a wonderful perfume. I wonder if they ate mushed potatoes in them Goddess-forsaken days - Cain was fuming, on account that he believed that The Almighty expected him to offer Her a worthy present, at least as nice as Abel’s, if not better, since he always bragged that he was the strongest, the most intelligent, the most handsome, and so-fork-and-knick-knacks; and since he had no flock, because he was a lazy bum, he had to wrack his mushy brain to find something more impressive than a ‘stupid white lamb’.

And low and bee hold, he decided to kill his brother, so he would get rid of him forever, believing that he would be the only one Goddess and his parents would love - as if they could forget Abel -, then too, he would take over his brother’s flock and become rich.