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by Vincent Barry

My eyes grow heavy in the red, green, and blue light of the TV. Have I found the solution to my insomnia— in a flashlight twenty times brighter than your ordinary flashlight? A flashlight that can burn though anything—cardboard, plastic, metal? A US Army engineer built it to give Americans the security they deserve when outside in the dark. Withstands freezing temperatures and boiling water and flaming hot fire. Made of military-grade aluminum and the most advanced LED technology. Strong enough to cook an egg. And—get this—it has an SOS function for any emergency situation. This US Army engineer is destroying the $300 billion flashlight industry with his device that can light up an entire city! Analysts predict every home in the US will have it by 2024. Naturally, the Army engineer felt compelled to make it available to the public. He wants as many Americans as possible to know about this tactical flashlight to feel secure in any situation. A true patriot. This is why he decided not to spend anything on advertising, thereby keeping the price low and affordable. To cut the price further he’s selling . . . the. . . exclusively . . . online  . . . but only today . . . at-at-at a 50% . . . My eyes grow heavy. . . .