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What Not To Say To Food
by R.D. Ronstad

Never ask a half-baked potato for advice.
Never tell scrambled eggs to just pull themselves together.
Never bother trying to interrogate a hard-boiled egg.
Never ask a hot dog to dance, sing, or play the piano. Same goes for a ham.
Never refer to yourself as "toast" in the presence of toast.
Never taunt orange roughy unless you have backup.
Never say anything to skimmed milk, or associate with it in any way.
Never hit a cupcake up for money. You'll just feel guilty afterward.
Never (ever!) agree to let bacon take you home.
Never let yourself be drawn into an argument with rhubarb pie.
Never give Spam your e-mail address.
Never ask a tossed salad if it's OK. It is.
Never ask a cured fish about its past unless you're close.
Never be sardonic with sardines. (It’s OK to be sardinic.)
Never ask an English muffin if it likes soccer. ("It's called football, you berk!")
Never ask corn if it knows a good joke.
Never ask salt why no one's ever heard of Sgt. Salt's Lonely Hearts Club Band. You'd be rubbing pepper into its wounds.