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Ways To Annoy The Passenger Sitting Next To You On A Long Distance Train Ride
by R.D. Ronstad

Tell him you’re very pleasantly surprised that even when you only pay coach fare, you apparently still get all the bells and whistles.
Tell her you used to be able to identify every type of locomotive engine, and the year it was manufactured, merely by listening to it idle, because once upon a time you had an engine ear.
Ask him if he knows if the dining car offers al fresco dining.
Tell her you always love riding trains because a train is the only place no one ever gives you a hard time for walking around with “Pillowy” under your arm.
Tell him you heard that the other engineers refer to your engineer as “Sidetrack Sally.”
Ask her if she’ll switch seats with you periodically so you can keep your butt aligned.
Nickname your conductor "AC," and call him/her this every time he/she walks past.
Periodically take your train schedule out of your pocket, methodically unfold it, examine it closely, snort, and carefully fold it and put it back into your pocket.
Occasionally and without warning break into a chorus of  “I’m Singin’ in the Train” while dancing up and down the aisle.
Lean over and, with a worried look on your face, say, “You know, I think I just heard a clackety-click. Do you think I should tell someone?”
Tell her, “Too bad this isn’t a bullet train, ‘cause I feel like getting loaded.”