Three Newly-Discovered
Biblical Texts
by William Kitcher
A
recent archeological dig uncovered three
fragments of heretofore unknown biblical texts,
published here for the first time.
From
Genesis:
And the Lord spake, in a basso profundo as you
can imagine, "Moses, take that weasel out of
your underwear, and go forth or fifth to the
Promised Land."
And Moses, in a high-pitched squeaky voice with a
hint of Cockney accent, sayeth unto the Lord,
"I will take my people to the Promised Land."
And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying, "No,
Moses, you must go to the Promised Land by
yourself."
And Moses sayeth unto the Lord thusly, "For
forty days and forty nights will I go there, Lord,
and then I shall return to show my people the way,
Lord."
And the Lord spake unto Moses, "No, Moses,
you're not listening. You shall go to the
Promised Land and stay there."
And Moses sayeth unto the Lord, "Yes, Lord,
I will go there for 40 years, and then I shall
return for my people."
And the Lord spake unto Moses, "No, Moses,
you're not very bright, are you? You shall go to
the Promised Land and stay there alone for the
rest of your life because no-one likes you."
And Moses sayeth unto the Lord, "Yes, Lord,
I shall go to the Promised Land for the rest of
my days and then I will join you in heaven."
And the Lord struck down Moses with a spatula.
From Paul’s Letters to the
Thessalonians:
Dear Thessalonians,
How are you? I am fine.
The weather is very warm for this time of the
year and there are a lot of tourists here.
The hotel isn’t as nice as the one I stayed
at last time but the employees are friendly and
don’t mind being under-tipped.
Say hello to Aunt Ethel for me.
I hope you are well. Wish you were here.
Love, Paul
From the Book of Matthew:
And Jesus went up the mountain, and spake thusly,
“It’s really high up here”. And he
got a nosebleed so he descended the mountain,
borrowed a tissue from a shepherd passing by, and
went home for supper.
On the following day, Jesus ascended a small hill,
and spake thusly to God, “Father, O God,
Thou who is Me, and Me who is Thou. I’m very
confused.”
And God spake unto Jesus thusly, “Be not
confused, my Son, for you and I are one. You are
the human incarnation of me.”
And Jesus spake unto God thusly, “But if we
are one, then why are we in different places? And
why is it I who must suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous furniture prices? And who is this
fellow I keep seeing out of the corner of my eye?”
And God spake unto Jesus thusly, “That is
the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the third
part of the trinity that is you and me. And he
and me and him and you. All three together.”
And Jesus spake unto God thusly, “I thought
I didn’t feel like myself today. I’m
tri-polar. Can you please tell the Holy Spirit
not to go up to people, sneeze on their necks,
and then run away so people think it’s me?”
And at that very moment, the sky went dark, and
lightning struck everywhere, and the earth shook,
and a huge chasm opened up before Jesus’
feet. And Jesus looked into the chasm, and saw
unimaginable filth and smelled unimaginable
odours, and Jesus felt as if he was looking into
the very soul of Satan himself. And that is how
God created Detroit.
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