by Elizabeth Ann
Zoom meetings. Zoom
Conferences. Zoom webinars. Youve seen themthe
Zoomers. Youve heard them. Just dont
Yeller shouts like a person using a
telephone for the first time.
I CANT HEAR YOU Insister thinks
volume level is a byproduct of how you are
projecting your voice and has nothing to
do with their volume controls.
Shaker holds his laptop/tablet on his lap.
The slightest movement causes a digital
Zoomer searches for the perfect device
position all through the meeting, moving closer,
closer, oopstoo close, back off, a little
more, too far, bring it in.
Silhouette ignores advice about
backlighting because she likes sitting with
the sun on her back.
Icons video screen displays the
Anonymous Person icon and you hear How do I
turn the video on? repeatedly.
Snacker munch, crunch, lunch, brunchgross.
Facer places the device closeup on a low
surface, exhibiting every wrinkle and skin tag
you wish youd never seen.
Mover gets up to fetch a pillow, put water
on for tea, grab a pen, reel in the charger cable,
make the tea.
Crasher didnt count on the pet cat
jumping onto the table that used to hold the now
cracked cell phone lying on the hardwood floor.
Unfashionista is no longer the vogue
fashion plate youre used to seeing in a
meeting. You now have the dull grey sweat-suiter.
Parental Distancer flails her arms, turns
to invisible, noisy, little family members and
hisses there will be no dessert if they dont
leave the room this instant. Now.
Pokers lean into the screen pointing their
giant-sized fingers at the screen while mumbling how
do I exit this blasted meeting.