The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

The Trials of Noah
by Jerry Robbins

Noah was lounging by Eden's Resort outdoor pool ogling the fair maidens.  He was 120 years old and could only dream about how it might be.

And God said to Noah, "Get off your fat bottom, Noah, and make me a boat. I want it to be so big we can put all the pets at Freddy's Animal Shelter in it, plus a few more that are still out there.

"But God,"  Noah protested, "there's not a twig of lumber in this God-forsaken (excuse me) land."

"Don't get smart with me," God said, 'I made this miserable world the best I could with what I had - nothing - if you believe the word of the theologians. Take a hike to what will be Africa someday and strip their forests."

"But God, you said we should preserve nature."

"Noah if you are going to quibble I'll just get someone else," God said.

So Noah calmed down and set off for Africa-to-Be in a little dingy with his family.  Predictably he got lost somewhere around the Mediterranean Sea. This pleased him a great deal  because there were many beautiful maidens swimming in the water.  Mrs.  Noah meantime insisted he stop at one of the ports for directions.

But Noah was sorely vexed by his wife's interference and said, "Look, this is between God and me.  Butt out."  This was the first of Noah's mistakes with his wife.  So Noah wandered for several years trying to find Africa while Mrs. Noah mumbled without ceasing, i.e., every day, the same complaint, based on nothing she knew, as Noah was the only man around, "Oh, you men are all the same."

God, who was beginning to have second thoughts about his servant, Noah, heard Mrs. Noah's complaints and decided that in the future he would make men who had feelings, watched romance movies, could change diapers, and were capable of shopping in grocery stores, although they had not been invented yet.

Finally , after many yeas and many detours, Noah found Africa.This pleased his children in no small measure  because there was a McDonald's hamburger store there with a huge sign, "God loves you." Can't you see this is a sign," said Mrs. Noah, who was hungry enough to eat a whole cow.  And, lo, old Noah's hard heart did melt and he let his kids lead him there.

Many sunsets later Noah found a lumberyard with choice cedar planks.  He walked through the yard and said in a loud voice to the lumber, "Let there be an ark,"  remembering he had heard such things about how God made things. But, alas, the lumber did not move.

"Dad, you have to build it," his oldest son said, typical annoying teenager that he was, and also added typically,  "Leave me out of this."  Just then, Mrs. Noah piped up, "I have a plan." At a loss about what to do, Noah looked at her plan and it was good.

So Noah loaded up the cedar and had it shipped back home where Mrs. Noah supervised its construction.  In the meantime, Noah ran the coffee shop with several attractive waitresses.

One day a carpenter ran into the coffee shop as Noah was explaining  how to make an expresso to his attentive, adoring girls, and shouted, "It's finished." Noah ran as fast as he could through the construction site to the gigantic ship, and, lo, it was good. "Carnival Cruises" was  painted  on its bow, and his children rejoiced with exceeding gladness.

Now Noah had to round up the animals. He emptied Freddy's and went to search for the elusive ones, the wombat, the Jerkle, and the schmoo, none of which he could find which explains why they never made it into the modern world or even "Jane's Guide to Animals."

Just as he loaded the last ones in, the elephants, tigers, and anacondas, it began to rain.  It poured down the rain for a long time, and the water began to rise until, lo and behold, the ship took off.  The mountains trembled,the seas boiled, and Noah's son stood on the deck jeering at those on the roiling sea, "How long can you tread water?"

Noah was no-a sailor, So Mrs. Noah had to take the wheel. "I'm going to drive this thing," she saith unto him. "You don't drive a boat," Noah said unto her and right there he realized his second mistake. For the rest of the trip he spent his time in the dark, smelly hold with the apes and donkeys. No one on board had the slightest idea where they were going.

In the meantime, Noah's teenage son, Seth, incessantly complained about keeping company with the hippos and giraffes when he would rather be with his main squeeze, voluptuous Sarah, who was liberated and was very free with her favors, like kissing.  He also felt bad that he had left his I-phone home and could not help with the directions.

Beth, their teenage daughter, took up with the chummy chimpanzees who seemed happy to listen to her endless tirades against her parents.  She prayed to God to send some conditioner to help with her hair which was so frizzy that she was actually beginning to look like a chimp.

God was perplexed by the prayer. "What does she think I am, a convenience store? And what do I know about hair? I may know the number of hairs on everybody's head, but that doesn't include how to manage it."  But since God had to answer prayer, God created the corner drugstore and all the hair treatment any teenage girl could want.

In the meantime, Noah lectured Beth about spending too much time with the animals when she should be with the family.  She simply said, "Oh, Dad, you are so over, " struck her tongue out at him, and sprayed him with blather, as chimps are wont to do.

Mrs. Noah did her best to keep order on the ship, assigning duties and arranging games for the animals.  She set up afternoon talk shows where the animals could come and discuss their problems. She tried to forbid all "relations"  because there was hardly room for more, but could not corral the bulls and wolves into obeying.  Their rutting disturbed the other animals who tried not to look.  Beth was disgusted, but Seth had only one thing to say, "Cool." 

After what seemed like months a pigeon appeared with a daisy in its mouth. "Isn't this what artists paint as a symbol for peace?" Beth said.  Mrs. Noah said, "We need a real sign of land."  And lo, the next day a small boat approached with a sign, "Buy Florida Property," and a salesman.  The animals were exceedingly glad to see him, as was Mrs. Noah who promptly turned the ark south to follow him to their new Paradise.