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The Babysitter
by Hazel Girolamo

I'm sure Mummy will be back very soon Ermagard. Why don't we put tinky-winky down for an eency-weency minute or I might do something quite desperate.

Lilac! What are doing? You have a Lego stuck up your nose, well scissors would not be my first choice. Go and find the vacuum cleaner. Now who would like to watch Playschool? You prefer Sesame Street - for the diverse multicultural challenges they provide for you to fulfil your utmost uber potential and give a good grounding for your own nurturing experience- of course, what was I thinking?

And what would you like to be when you grow up Lilac?  The tattooed lady in the circus and Jeremy? A spiritual guidance counsellor - your parents must be so proud. How about some lunch? No, Jeremy, there are no dolphins in this tin. Because I know there is no dolphin in this tin, its a Tursiops Trancatus commonly known a the bottle nosed dolphin - don't try to be clever Jeremy, its unattractive in a child your age. But I do see your point Jeremy, baked beans do have  pictures of baked beans on the label and peaches have pictures of peaches  but this is different Jeremy. All right can the tuna! How about a cheese sandwich from gluten free only cows naturally. 

No Lilac, I do not want to burn a purple candle - not even for world peace. Where did you find that dummy Ermagard? Little girls wearing leopard print shouldn't have dummies. It clashes horribly with your complexion. Lilac, burning incense will not make me calm me, I don't care if it is patchouli. You'll only set off the smoke alarm. Again.  Jeremy, that is a novel approach to face painting. A good little tip for you to remember, is to let her up occasionally so she can breathe and anyway paving paint is not suitable for young skin, go and see if there is any house paint left. Yes I know that fingers are part of the hand and the hand is part of the arm and the arm is part of the - what a well informed child you are!

Oh Mrs Webster, back so soon? Oh its been delightful, just delightful. Next week? I am so sorry but I think my room at the sanatorium should be ready by then, here's hoping.