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Snuffle in Silence
by Andrew Sansom

Snuffles hate Kids Club. Just cos show for children, doesn’t excuse lazy journalism. Snuffles ashamed of his part in it, try ask hard hitting questions but hard cos am dog. Presenter Man Matt often have politicians on show, never ask What you intend do bout housing crisis? or Party politics inherently flawed no? Presenter Man Matt obsessed with moosic, moosic and football. He always askMinister, you like Jay-Zed? (He no realise it pronounce Jay-Z) Minister always say ‘who?’ because is old white man. Then both laugh and talk football and superhero film. Snuffles think is borderline propaganda.

Worst part is, snuffles have sit next to guest whoever is. Snuffles there to look cute. Snuffles should never have signed contract, or at least had lawyer look over. One time, Snuffles tried bite particularly nasty guest, he smell of lies, and fish. Snuffles growl and go for testes. Got man to swear and interview end, but Snuffles feel empty, knew he better than violence. He must have class, like Andrew Marr.

Today gon be worst day of all. Prime Minister come on. Announce new national reeding scheme. Is mere publicity stunt. Distract from school cuts. Of course Presenter Man Matt lap it up, like snuffles at water bowl. He come to snuffles in dressing room before show say This big career moment for me, for us, we cannot have repeat of testes incident. Snuffles nod and lick Presenter Man Matt’s face so he understand. He leave and Snuffles chew own butt to get rid Presenter Man Matt taste.

Snuffles conflicted, must respect PM for sake of career, but he really deplorable man. He have many scandals. Before cameras go live PM sit on sofa talking Presenter Man Matt, they talk bout nothing but laugh like Hyena’s watching Simpsons. Snuffles given cue, go sit next to PM. Snuffles obey.

PM smell terrible, worst one ever. Snuffles not get paid enough for this. Snuffles not get paid at all. PM’s sweaty hammy hand grope Snuffles head. Snuffles think of career, think of own BBC one politics show. Snuffles behave.

Interview start. Presenter Man Matt says is honour to have Prime Minister with us. He doing that voice again, one producer don’t like, too urban. PM and Presenter Man Matt talk about favourite books. Presenter Man Matt very vague, Snuffles not sure if Matt reed book since Very Hungry Caterpillar. Snuffles read lot. Snuffles big fan of Tolstoy.

Presenter Man Matt says what good boy PM is for doing reeding. He give PM many easy question, feel like North Korean state broadcast. PM make joke bout Turning a new page, Presenter Man Matt laugh for too long, says is funny cos they talk bout reeding. Snuffles see PM’s testes juggle as laugh. Snuffles drool but stay still.

Presenter Man Matt ask what gave him idea for scheme. PM not say Cos I taking money from kiddies and NHS instead he say I love kiddies soooo much. I want help. Is hooge lie, but Presenter Man Matt just nod. Snuffles growl and back legs twitch, testes call to me.

But Snuffles sit still. Snuffles must rise above.