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Should I Say Anything - About That Growth
by Carol McKenzie

I am happy to report I have been swimming recently at a senior citizens only pool. Swimming was a good idea, but the senior pool may have been a mistake.

I was churning the water delightfully in a private lane next to the free-for-all section (thankfully that does not mean total nudity). A man had clearly been in the pool since 1975, if not longer. His flesh was beyond barbecued rib or roasted pork levels. His skin was a speckled deep red/brown I have only seen in people abandoned at sea for weeks with no shade. I could almost hear his tissue sizzling like a steak on the grill.

A more disturbing observation was an uneven appearing bump on his back, the size of which was frightening. He was happily splashing his way through the water with this lump occupying an abundant chunk of his shoulder blade. He appeared unaware of its presence.

Are social etiquette rules in place allowing me to reach out to him about the misshapen growth that may be in need of an emergent professional medical opinion? Perhaps everyone at the pool was aware of it and since they were not fond of this particular fellow, they were just patiently waiting for it to expand into his internal organs. From what I viewed, ground-penetrating radar may be necessary to identify this unknown entity.

The positive aspect was I swam extra laps trying to get a clearer medical understanding of what type of growth it might be. Using a drone might be a more discreet surveillance method, as soon as I can afford one.

I plan on calling the CUG, (Center for Unidentified Growths), and speaking to them regarding reporting such scary blemishes. I will also inquire if there are any fines for NOT reporting what may be an unfolding health crisis. The crisis would be if someone in the pool screamed, “Yuck, what is that big thing growing on your back?" And the pool had to be evacuated and chemically sanitized.