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Questions A U.S. President Should Ask Himself Before Pardoning A Turkey At Thanksgiving
by R.D. Ronstad

Have any turkeys pardoned in the past truly reformed?

Have turkeys ever made a contribution to society? Have they ever participated in a drug bust, for example? Saved someone freezing to death in the Alps? Delivered vital messages to Allied troops in wartime? Been pulled from a top hat?

Will other animals some day demand equal treatment? Could I end up having to publicly pardon an anchovy at Thanksgiving next year?

Sure I might upset the turkey population by denying clemency, but isn't it good to ruffle a few million feathers now and then?

Has a turkey ever pardoned a weevil?

Could I be upsetting the world’s dead turkey-cranberry sauce balance?

Wouldn't the turkey actually be better off dead? Once the execution takes place, it's all gravy!

Snoods, caruncles, wattles--who needs them?