Professor Botkin
Explains Why "White Christmas" is a
Racist Song
by Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri
Good morning.
I’m Professor Botkin. When I was a little
boy, “White Christmas” was a popular
Christmas song. Innocent. My mother sang it to me
before she left ( with a department store Santa,
who had a phallic obsession with candy canes).
But the truth has come out.
White
Christmas is inherently racist. And I’m not
talking about the fact that the ultimate symbol
of whiteness, Bing, sings this.
Think about
the way the song opens: “I’m dreaming
of a White Christmas.” Sounds like a
Southerner’s dream, doesn’t it? Whiter
than a KKK rally. Or a suburban house party,
where people compare how white they are. It’s
like a measuring contest, except they’re
measuring skin pigments.
I digress.
And the ending,
“May all your Christmases be WHITE.”
Sounds pretty racist. Why not just end with
“may all your days be merry and bright.”
Leave it. I know Irving Berlin was going for a
rhyme scheme there, but WHITE? Really Irving?
WHITE?
White
supremacists got to Irving Berlin too.
To be fair,
there are images of children listening and sleigh
bells. Some nonracist images. But if they’re
dreaming of a white Christmas, then what is
everyone else dreaming about? What are our Latino
brothers dreaming about? Our black brothers? And
sisters.
And who’s
the narrator writing Christmas cards to? The
NAACP? Or is he writing to fellow Protestants who
have ten-foot high fences? To people who want to
build walls to keep African Americans out, along
with immigrants?
You might
argue I’m over my head. He’s just
writing Christmas cards. But what about the
Hanukah cards? Kwanzaa?
He’s a
one-percenter.
This is
obviously a racist Christmas song.
So, then what
do we call the holiday? Suggestions? You need to
participate. Can I call on a black person? We
must have one black student.
No black
people? How about a Latino?
I’ll have
to settle on you WASPS. This can be a learning
experience.
Caucasian
Holiday?
That would
encompass Hanukah and other holidays, but imply
only those of the Caucasian persuasion are
encompassed. It’s a start, though.
Human
Holiday?
Offensive to
aliens. What if an alien wanted to join us? Maybe
the reason they keep invading and blowing us up
is because we leave them out.
Don’t get
me going on zombies.
Human
Family Holiday?
Too
stereotypically liberal. Yes, I am a liberal, but
conservative friends complain that I’m
obsessed with turning the world into a rainbow
house of diversity. This is truly my nefarious
scheme.
Extraterrestrial
Holiday?
What if there’s
life beyond the beyond? Still a problem.
Therefore
class, it seems inherently simple. White
Christmas is racist. It cannot be remedied. It
cannot be played on the radio. It will cause
riots. Department stores will be broken into.
Santas will not be safe.
With a line
like, “May all your Christmases be white,”
everyone’s going to need a psychiatrist.
Preferably one whose Christmases are neither
bright nor white.
Merry
Christmas to all and to all a good white… I
mean night!
|
