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Professor Botkin Explains Why "White Christmas" is a Racist Song
by Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri

Good morning. I’m Professor Botkin. When I was a little boy, “White Christmas” was a popular Christmas song. Innocent. My mother sang it to me before she left ( with a department store Santa, who had a phallic obsession with candy canes). But the truth has come out.

White Christmas is inherently racist. And I’m not talking about the fact that the ultimate symbol of whiteness, Bing, sings this.

Think about the way the song opens: “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas.” Sounds like a Southerner’s dream, doesn’t it? Whiter than a KKK rally. Or a suburban house party, where people compare how white they are. It’s like a measuring contest, except they’re measuring skin pigments.

I digress.

And the ending, “May all your Christmases be WHITE.” Sounds pretty racist. Why not just end with “may all your days be merry and bright.” Leave it. I know Irving Berlin was going for a rhyme scheme there, but WHITE? Really Irving? WHITE?

White supremacists got to Irving Berlin too.

To be fair, there are images of children listening and sleigh bells. Some nonracist images. But if they’re dreaming of a white Christmas, then what is everyone else dreaming about? What are our Latino brothers dreaming about? Our black brothers? And sisters.

And who’s the narrator writing Christmas cards to? The NAACP? Or is he writing to fellow Protestants who have ten-foot high fences? To people who want to build walls to keep African Americans out, along with immigrants?

You might argue I’m over my head. He’s just writing Christmas cards. But what about the Hanukah cards? Kwanzaa?

He’s a one-percenter.

This is obviously a racist Christmas song.

So, then what do we call the holiday? Suggestions? You need to participate. Can I call on a black person? We must have one black student.

No black people? How about a Latino?

I’ll have to settle on you WASPS. This can be a learning experience.

Caucasian Holiday?

That would encompass Hanukah and other holidays, but imply only those of the Caucasian persuasion are encompassed. It’s a start, though.

Human Holiday?

Offensive to aliens. What if an alien wanted to join us?  Maybe the reason they keep invading and blowing us up is because we leave them out.

Don’t get me going on zombies.

Human Family Holiday?

Too stereotypically liberal. Yes, I am a liberal, but conservative friends complain that I’m obsessed with turning the world into a rainbow house of diversity. This is truly my nefarious scheme.

Extraterrestrial Holiday?

What if there’s life beyond the beyond? Still a problem.

Therefore class, it seems inherently simple. White Christmas is racist. It cannot be remedied. It cannot be played on the radio. It will cause riots. Department stores will be broken into. Santas will not be safe.

With a line like, “May all your Christmases be white,” everyone’s going to need a psychiatrist. Preferably one whose Christmases are neither bright nor white.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good white… I mean night!