The Short Humour Site









Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Joy to the Sane
by S.B. Julian

-- Good Morning, Class! (bright voice) I'm Mary from Mental Health Militia's Special Christmas Crisis Centre, and your teacher Ms Shepherd has invited me to talk to you about the stress we're under at this time of year. I call it “the Curse of Christmas”. We carry heavy burdens during the Holiday Season. Right? (silence) You need to get over the stigma of talking about it, Class. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Christmas is all about depression, anxiety and family conflict. (silence) So who wants to start? How about the girl in the middle there? You look sad.

-- I'm sad we're missing English, it's my favourite class.

-- English?

-- Yeah, you know, novels and poems and stuff. “Grammar and Literacy” the English Head calls it.

-- Well that's all fine but you need addiction-literacy, anxiety-literacy, bullying-and-exclusion-literacy ... the things that matter in life.

-- Oh. Could I go to the loo please? (she leaves)

-- Who else would like to contribute? How about you at the back? Are you sitting apart because you feel exluded?

-- No.

-- Denial is a burden. You can safely unpack your misery here. (pause) I'll give you the Christmas Crisis Line phone number so you can call in later. Make a note of this everyone: it's 01 - 888 -

-- Mary? (a student raises her hand) I need to leave for an appointment.

-- Really? Where? What could be more important than mental illness, and depression, anxiety, mood swings, ADHD, addiction ...

-- 'scuse me Mary, but I don't have those things.

-- Of course you do. It's Christmas.

-- (another student speaks) It's Christmas, so we must be suicidal.

-- Suicide is no joke, Class.

-- Actually I wasn't depressed until you arrived. (class laughs)

-- Is it the advertising? The commercialization? The burden on the poor?

-- No, it's you.

-- (another student chimes in) I love Christmas.

-- You think you do, but it's a well-known source of misery, loneliness, unpaid bills, over-eating...

-- Actually, for me it's the source of a decorated tree with a beautiful smell and colourfully-wrapped presents under it, and carol singing, and boxes of chocolate and home-made eggnogg, and visits from my grandparents who love me.

-- Let's unpack what those things really mean. For instance, when you say “carols” do you mean music which foists colonialist sentiments onto downtrodden races with other traditions?

-- No.

-- Because we all know that Christmas is merely a colonialist construct imposed on indigenous people who had never heard of it at the time of settler contact. We at Christmas Crisis Hotline help them deal with the trauma. There, you in the front row, you look indigenous. At least I hope you are, or that eagle feather and the First Nations T-shirt you're wearing would be pretty major cultural appropriations! (she laughs) So ... yes you are indigenous? And how is your family coping with the trauma of Christmas?

-- Umm ...

-- It's okay, you can speak, you're safe here. Have you got siblings at home?

-- Yeah. Tons.

-- And parents?

-- Mom. And sort of ... step-fathers.

-- And how does Mom cope with the trauma of Christmas?

-- Beer. (laughter from the class)

-- (Mary sighs) Poor woman. Driven to it. What does she think would help?

-- If the Food Bank carried it. (laughter)

-- Now class, let's not make fun of identifiable groups.

-- (student raises hand) Mary: we're not laughing at identifiable groups, we're laughing at you.

-- (flustered) Well that's a bit ... (pause) I mean, thank you for your honesty ... er ...

-- (another student raises her hand) Mary: I collect eagle feathers. They float to the ground at my grandparents' farm. Wildlife is for everyone. Why is liking eagle feathers cultural appropriation?

-- Umm ... Let's stay on topic, okay? The “Holiday Season”. Ask yourself what you need a holiday from. If it's the “Festive Season”, ask yourself why you don't feel festive.

-- (a student raises his hand) I do feel festive.

-- No. Actually, you're suffering from the stress of pretending to like something which is exhausting, expensive, lonely, trans-phobic and competitive, when you have to buy presents for co-workers you hate, (voice rises) and you can't find a parking space, and it's freezing cold out and dark at 4:30 and you lose your gloves and those Salvation Army bells are driving you mad ... (pause)

(Class is silent. A student rushes out, upset.)

-- Mary? (says another) Sorry for your troubles.

-- Well, it's not my troubles, it's society's. Now: let's form a circle and take turns revealing how Christmas triggers suicidal feelings. Put your smartphones away please. (waits) Now: the boy on my right, we'll start with you. What triggers your negative feelings?

-- Putting my smartphone away. (laughter from the class)

-- (Mary sighs) And what part of Christmas makes you smartphone-dependent?

-- (girl raises hand) Mary, I'll be major-triggered if I don't find a new smartphone in the toe of my stocking on Christmas morning. (other students cheer in agreement)

-- Yeah, and then she can like phone the Christmas Crisis Line when her sister steals all the cashews out of Santa's nut bowl. (laughter. Ms Shepherd calls for order)

-- Well, there's a thought: food inequity. It's an aspect of worldwide injustice, and climate change only increases it ...

-- (sarcastically) And Christmas causes climate change.

-- Or what if Christmas solved it? What'd'ya think Mary? Like, what if we all drove flying Santa-sleighs instead of vehicles that run on fossil fuels?

-- Yeah! What if Amazon delivered parcels that way? Way cool eh!

-- But if they were pulled by reindeer that would be animal exploitation.

-- Hey, Mary! Can I read my poem? It has rhymes for the name of each of the eight reindeer.

-- Not now Dear, that sounds rather frivolous for the Least Wonderful Time of the Year. Let's consider the pathology behind gift-giving.

-- Mary, why is your name Mary? It seems so old-fashioned.

-- Because I'm named after, you know ... Mary.

-- Oh. That must be traumatic if you hate the nativity season.

-- Mary, why is it that every nativity scene shows Joseph standing up? You never see him sitting on a bale of hay or anything.

-- (another student replies) Maybe he was a comedian. Like -- in “stand-up” -- get it? (laughter)

-- Yeah, yeah, we get it. So is that why the best comics are Jewish? According to my Dad they are, anyway.

-- Does that mean he's racist? Hey Mary – her Dad's a racist!

-- Settle down, Class. What's your name, Dear?

-- Estuaria.

-- Ah. So you're named for the place where rivers of mental illness flows into seas polluted by toxic Christmas expectations that mental health experts have proven are ... but wait, where are you going, Estuaria? (Estuaria hurries out) Class: if you have trouble acknowledging repressed Christmas-misery you can be tested for mental illness for free. This is our prime misery-season, worse than summer holidays, back-to-school week, Halloween and Valentine's Day all rolled into one. This is when you need to guard against expectations of joy and examine cultural assumptions. The Christmas Crisis Centre can put you in touch with a therapist who ... (a man walks in, interrupting)

-- (the teacher, Ms Shepherd speaks up) Oh! Here is our principal: Mr. Barnes. Hello Mr. Barnes, we are discussing the emotional pitfalls of Christmas ...

-- Ms Shepherd, why is a stream of students from your class turning up weeping in my office?