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Goat Yoga, Is That How Goat Cheese Is Made?
by Carol McKenzie

I am confused; is goat yoga real? From studying brochures about goat yoga, a hairy goat cruises around on your back while you contort your body and balance. How is this going to work? Goat hooves would be sharp--is the goal to be in even more intense discomfort? Get on the pain train, sister, hoist that 30-pound goat onto my aching back.

The reality is mothers have been performing goat yoga for centuries, except it is called baby yoga (Carrying a crying 20-pound baby on your side all day long). Moms and dads perform thrusting side bends with screaming babies barely hanging on to retrieve binkies. Forget the dolphin plank, baby yoga has been around since the dawn of man.

The first time I heard anything goat was a movie about old men staring at goats, or old goats staring at men. Men cause concern staring at anything.

The goat hype has mutated into goat bonding with a side of meditation.

I am fascinated where this goat trend will lead. Soon there will be service goats on airplanes and in restaurants, even goat bodyguards. I can say confidently, if I flew on an airplane right now, a goat to separate me from other passengers would be a good thing.

The protocol if the goat needs to relieve itself is as follows: The goat urinates and defecates on your back--is that spiritual or what?

On a goat yoga education website, the claim is made your chakra can be expanded by performing goat yoga. I don't know if I have any chakra. I am trying not to expand anywhere on my body especially any place wide enough for a goat to be comfortable.

Goat yoga is supposed to make you calm, peaceful, as the goat silently chews your braided ponytail from the back of your head while you perform a thrust plank position.

Who is going to explain weight limits to the renegade goat if the baby goat gets a wee too big with pointy horns, but demands to occupy your shoulders and play goat yoga? Will the goat end up in a goat revitalization program, or end up at a goat processing plant?

NEWS FLASH: Northern California residents are renting renegade yoga goats to eat the dry brush some people claim caused the uncontrolled fires earlier this year. The goat herders are charging $500 per acre as a “brush cleaning” fee. Stay tuned for more updates and how you too can own a herd of goats.

Frankly, I don't want anything with horns wandering around on my back. Goat yoga will fade into memory just like Rolfing. Does anyone know what Rolfing is? Exactly.

An innocent yoga enthusiast will be attacked by a humiliated, berserk goat because the animal is deemed to have too big of a goat butt. I hope then we can all go back to regular yoga without the goat breath.