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Curling My Kind Of Olympic Sport
by Carol McKenzie

When I watch a curling event, I want to stand on my ironing board like a surfer, with pink sponge curlers in my hair, adorn a robe, and glide across an ice rink, pushing my steaming iron with the tip of a poker. Why is it called curling instead of pushing, or floating? What is actually being curled, your hair, or the toes of the person pushing the swollen puck? The answer haunts me.

I watched the 2018 Olympic games held in South Korea and I have formed a special bond with the curling competition.

Two or three men of ancient caveman heritage were stooped over like pretzels, frantically pushing short brooms in front of what appears to be a mutant hockey puck. One person was sliding on the ice perched like a fencer. This person is wearing old bowling shoes, attempting to push this smooth stone into a circle. I am not clear what the tiny brushes being swept in front of the puck are intended to accomplish except to excite the crowd, but it certainly seems to make everyone giddy. It appears the ice needs to be dusted vigorously.

The participants of this sport don’t need to stay in shape, which is something I adhere to. No concern about a strenuous workout to tackle this sport. Curling is truly the game of donut and ice cream lovers. A competitor doesn’t even have to brush their teeth or comb their hair. Anyone could do it and become a hero to their country by shoving this mutant puck on ice, like every janitor does when they mop a floor.

Curling also includes a senior competition so you can be 92 and if you can get that puck to the circle, oh baby! The seniors are required to stay under one mile per day speed limit--no problem there.

Curling injuries are minimal and usually confined to a stubbed toe, unless through some cosmic event, the puck lands a crushing blow to a curler’s pinky finger.

Would William Wallace embrace curling, or would he have a belly full, call them all sissies and storm off to the front lines with a spear? “I find it fascinating to see the puck sliding down the ice toward the goal ring, I can’t take my eyes off of it,” would never pass through Braveheart’s lips.

I think I will continue to watch curling events with a dozen glazed donuts at my side and leave the other ice sports for people who may see their heroes with broken backs and legs, trying to win a gold medal in extreme snowboarding.