The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Cooking for the Single Person – Chapter 9 – What You’ll Need In The Kitchen
by William Kitcher

What You’ll Need In The Kitchen
The topic of this chapter is: What You’ll Need In The Kitchen, all in capital letters. (And don’t be confused about the similarities of the word “kitchen” and my last name.)
Naturally, the purpose of cooking is to eat.
And with what do you need to eat? Yes, your fingers are fine if you’re splurging on some fried chicken fat or a McWendyKing’s rat combo, but on those other days, when you want to prepare something for yourself in the comfort of your own hovel, you'll need cutlery.
Yes, I know “cutlery” is a strange and confusing word, but all it means is knives, forks, and spoons. You’ll need only one knife, one fork, one teaspoon and one dessert spoon if you’re a loner, a loser, or a sales representative... sorry, I repeated myself there.
But if you ever plan to cook for that special someone in your life, you’ll need more than one of each. A good rule to follow is: count the number of friends you have, subtract the number of friends you’d never give food to, and that’s how much cutlery you’ll need.
You may be thinking that you could stock up on plastic cutlery from a local fast-food restaurant but please remember, having matching plastic cutlery impresses people only if they’re from Alberta.
If you ever have Chinese food delivered, you may also want some chopsticks. But be sure to read the instruction manual that comes with them or you’ll never figure them out. My recommendation is to stay away from chopsticks altogether because you could poke your eye out.
Now, you’ll also need things in which to cook your food. I recommend pots and pans, preferably not made out of lead unless you want to become as dumb as a bag of hammers or if you’re aiming toward a career in politics.
And you’ll also need plates and bowls, unless you do as I do and eat right out of the pan or off the floor.
You may also want to have something to drink out of. You should stay away from glasses because they can break if you drop them. I admit that the sound of ice cubes tinkling in your glass may seem to be very attractive but it’s an aural illusion. (“Aural” doesn’t mean what you think it does – it has to do with your hearing.) If you want to know what falling ice sounds like, watch the movie “Titanic” and in particular, the scene when the ship hits an iceberg. That’s what ice sounds like and, as you can imagine, it’s quite dangerous.
Instead, get a “glass” that’s made out of plastic. Not only does plastic come from oil and never decomposes, thus causing environmental degradation for thousands of years, it never breaks. If that’s still too confusing, ask your dog if you can share his water bowl.
You may have heard the terms “cup of tea” or “cup of coffee” and think you might need a cup, but I can assure you that cups are used only by the very wealthy and therefore unnecessary for you.
You may also have heard the term “spatula” but I don’t know what that is.
Now, on to Chapter 10 where I’ll be discussing 47 things you can do with a carrot.