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Cooking for the Single Person – Chapter 4 – Food
by William Kitcher

Without food, you could get quite sick, so you definitely need to get some food. It’s very important in the world of cooking.
When you go into a grocery store – and if you’re unsure what a grocery store is, ask a police officer or your clergyman – don’t be intimidated by all the food you see there. Most of it is inedible anyway so you don’t need to worry about it.
Head straight for the bakery and get bread. Lots of it. At least a dozen loaves. The quickest meal to prepare that I can think of is a loaf of bread. No mess, no fuss. Just open the bag and start eating. And be sure to test a few slices while you’re in the grocery store. Sometimes bread isn’t as fresh as it should be, and testing the product is the best way to ensure maximum satisfaction.
Then go to the fruit department. Bananas, apples, pears, peaches, all of these can be eaten right away without cooking. If you want, you can even peel the banana first.
Then go to the cereals section. Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, Potato Puffs, whatever you like. Just pour them into a bowl and start eating. Some people put milk on their cereal, but if you don’t like milk, or you know that milk is full of all kinds of foul pus that isn’t good for you, you can always use beer.
And that’s it. That’s all you’ll need for healthy, tasty meals.
I know, I know. Some of you are saying, “But that’s not cooking.” Well, you’re right, but stop interrupting me when I’m writing.
Cooking is much more complicated and I’m not sure you’re ready for it just yet. Cooking will be the subject of Chapter 16.
But I’ll give you a suggestion of something you can try between now and then if you want a hot meal. But don’t blame me if everything goes wrong. Be sure, and I must emphasize, be sure to follow the instructions. OK, here it is.
A can of baked beans. Now… hmmm… that’s curious. No instructions. Well, you’re on your own.
OK, after you digest that chapter (see what I did there?), you’re ready to move on to the next chapter, where I will discuss the differences between mushrooms, toadstools, and lawyers.