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A Professor Explains His Dissatisfaction With Jagger's Satisfaction
by Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri

To: Mr. Mick Jagger

From: Professor Douche, Liverpool, Lancashire, England

Re: Problematic grammar in “Satisfaction.”

Dear Mr. Jagger,

As you know I am not the biggest Rolling Stones fan. However, I respect your audience’s adulation. However, your inability to respect the English language greatly perturbs me.  It also perturbs my pompous tweed coat, which inhabits a life of its own. In particular, I am plagued by paroxysms of pain, just listening to “Satisfaction.”

Let me quote the main offending line:

“I can’t get no satisfaction.”

I certainly derive no satisfaction from this guitar filled dreck posing as music. I derive far more satisfaction studying the Book of Common Prayer, ever the staid Anglican. I cannot even attempt a smile, quite frankly

Clearly you derive no inherent satisfaction from proper grammar either. Why not change the lyric to, I derive no satisfaction? Yes, it loses some of its energy, its rebelliousness, but it holds more grace and verve now. I derive no satisfaction.

I daren’t ask what brand of “satisfaction” you seek to derive. To each his own. I suspect your brand entails rolled joints and multicolored pills, but we are pontificating on the egregious grammar, not your drug choices. If you cannot derive satisfaction from drugs, then perhaps seek gainful employment.

Again, I digress.

Again, you say you get no “girl reaction.” I am not surprised. They must be appalled by your sloth, their sexual urges curbed by your double-negatives. Were I of the female persuasion, I shouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole.

Also, you say, “Cause I try.” Not necessarily imperfect grammar, just merely a reflection of laziness. Change that to “because I attempt.” Then, at least you would be trying to sing a song with grammatical and emotional coherence.

Also the deliberate and omission of “Gs” in line after line gives me heart spasms. Drivin’, Tellin.’ These may seem the perfect manifestation of rebellion, but English language enthusiasts are collapsing all over the world. The Queen, in fact, lamented her English being dragged through the gutter. In fact, she had to have a glass of sherry with the Archbishop of Canterbury and me.

And my last issue: All the no nos and hey heys. What emotion is that supposed to convey? Find the emotion. Tap into it.

My final recommendation: Spend more time with your grammar and less time doing your Jagger moves.

Your sneer evokes no visible reaction from me, the pompous professor.

Sincerely yours,

Professor Douche