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A Kangaroo Reflects on Donald Trump and The Threat to Animals
by Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri

So I got a call from Trump. All right, I’m lying mate. The Prime Minister called me after HE talked to Trump about refugees and illegals. We kangaroos don’t get the best cell phone coverage, but that’s beside the point.

Apparently, we’ve been branded terrorists. And illegals. Pretty clever, mate. That’s why we have pouches. It isn’t to transport our children, or to give Hugh Jackman rides to filming sites whenever he’s in the Outback. It’s to smuggle explosives. And drugs for that matter.

And Trump found out.

There goes my scheme. I’ve always wanted to visit the United States. Just bounce across the nation, see the sights, like a sort of kangaroo Jack Kerouac. I like that. That’s what you can call me. Kangaroo Kerouac. But apparently we’re a threat. Right up there with the Muslims and the Mexicans.

We can also jump pretty high. Isn’t that a sure sign of a drug dealer? We can scale your wall, Mr. Trump. You build a thirteen-foot wall, mate, we’ll jump over it. Or better yet, we’ll dig a tunnel.

But that ain’t happening mate. Thanks to your vetting process, coming is impossible. I mean what do you ask a kangaroo? It’s not like we have Social Security cards or surnames. Or health care.

But I could use a serving of that Obamacare for my nephew. We’ll call him Barry. Yes, after your allegedly Kenyan ex-president. We kangaroos need to stay in good health so we can smuggle drugs and mess up the world with our Marsupial Lives Matter movement. Marsupial supremacy, mate. We need to eat and consume anything in our path.

I’d eat you Mr. Trump, except I understand you taste like chicken. Orange chicken. Don’t get me wrong, mate. Chickens are decent people. But you give chickens a bad name.

But enough about the chickens. I’m sure you’ll be cracking down on them soon. Chik-Fil-As will be raided by the day, as you look for illegal chickens. After us kangaroos. And no doubt squirrels will be next. Operation Nutcracker.

But like I said, back to my story. You can call me Kangaroo Kerouac. But I don’t have a real name in that sense. So I must be dangerous. Because who are you without a name? You must be hiding something.

I love America. But what the heck mates? I can’t count on you. I can’t even come in and dine on your fine cuisine. So all I can do is march with my fellow marsupials. I’ll even befriend a koala bear, even though we don’t have the best history. A koala ran off with my wife. But I don’t want to see the koala deported.

But to heck with that. We’ll protest the Prime Minister. We’ll protest this injustice to kangaroos. An injustice to kangaroos anywhere is an injustice to species everywhere. The enemy of my enemy of my enemy is my friend.

You don’t mess with kangaroos.

Make Marsupials Great Again.