The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Aged Marriage Guidance
(More queasy than PC)
by Dan Keeble

My newly engaged nephew asked for the secret of a happy marriage. My baby photographs were sepia, so I felt I qualified to help. Here was my advice:

On the subject of romance, it was simpler when I was young. If she fancied a romantic evening, I would buy a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates. However, since publication of Fifty Shades of Grey, she might expect you to call at the garage for a tow rope and a roll of duct tape. During the height of the Chippendales’ fame I decided to make an effort. So one night I removed my thermal vest, put on a bow tie, and rubbed baby oil into my upper torso. Unfortunately, my thick grey chest hair matted so much it resembled a squirrel that had come in from the rain, clinging to me for warmth. ‘You thought it made you look sexy?’ she choked. Her hysterical laughter carried on until breakfast.

Now for the biggie. If she asks you to comment on a dress she’s wearing, never say, very nice, terrific, etc. She will assume you are being sarcastic. Say nothing. Instead, blow a kiss and sigh. She’ll read that as something positive. Never inject humour into this emotive scenario. Once your aunt asked my opinion of her new figure-hugging dress. I said, “Wow, that is the one.” Assuming sarcasm she said, “But?” I responded with, “Yes that does let you down.” The sale of my CD collection just about covered the bills from Thorntons and Interflora.

You will have to stand guard outside changing rooms when she is shopping. She doesn’t want you constantly moaning - no more than you want to be there. An adjacent occupied cubicle will have a curtain not fully drawn, and to the side will be racks of bras and knickers. As you gaze skywards studying the Z beams holding up the roof, two amused girl assistants will score your discomfort level against other men observed that day. This is when you can improve your wife’s shopping experience. Call out to her, “Darling I’m checking out the bras. Do you prefer the Sheer Glossies or the Agent Provocateur? What did you say your size was?” Not only will you be leaving the store swiftly, but your good lady will enjoy shopping alone in future.

Tell her you love her every day, even after many years have passed. Be sincere though. Softly kiss her neck, and whisper into her ear, “Darling, I love you.” If she does something similar after ten years of marriage, surreptitiously remove her wine bottle - she would have had her three glasses for the evening. To guarantee a lasting relationship, use those three little words women often long to hear - ’ You’ve lost weight.’

It is these thoughtful touches and demonstrations of affection that will ensure you enjoy a happy marriage. Heaven only knows what your poor wife’s experience of it will be though.