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A Couple of Guys Called Ben and Don
by Edmund Conti

You have heard of Ben and Jerry
And their ice cream full of fat
And you think their life is merry
With élan, pizzazz, éclat.
And you wish so very, very
Much your life were not so flat.
Oh, to be like Ben and Jerry
That would be a super stat.

Or to be like Tom and Jerry
(There's a happy cat and mouse)
Neither one is the equerry
Neither one's the nagging spouse.
Or to be like Frank and Regis
Each of them with Kathy Lee.
You wouldn't even need an aegis
To protect you.  No sirree.

But I know a winsome twosome
Whose exploits are worth a chat—
Scary, memorable and gruesome
It's a life magnificat.
They've done overs, they've done unders
They have docked at Ararat.
Let me introduce these wonders:
Ben There and Don That.

They have done moon exploration
They have hobnobbed with the stars
And they're thinking spring vacation
On the beaches up on Mars.
They have done the Riviera
Fully clothed and au nat
They've played catch with Yogi Berra:
Ben There and Don That.

They've refurbished a small lighthouse
(Martha Stewart thinks they're clever)
They've been bedded at the White House
Right between Bill and whomever.
They have almost eaten fugu
(Well, they fed it to the cat)
They have been to Boogoo-Boogoo:
Ben There and Don That.

They have seen the Stone at Mecca
They have chatted with the Pope
Had a platinum with Decca
And went on the road with Hope.
They have wrestled (each of them) with God
And they took Him to the mat.
They've walked upon hot coals unshod:
Ben There and Don That.

They have Peace Corps'd in Bolivia,
They have hunted where it's leopard-y
They have mastered so much trivia
That they won three times on Jeopardy!
They have wiped themselves on Everest
There's no place they haven't shat.
On the go-go-go; they never rest:
Ben There and Don That.