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23 Things I Learned In 2019
by William Kitcher

When I got to the end of the piece of soap in the shower, I got a fresh bar and attached the bit left to a new soap bar, and realized that I’ve been using the same piece of soap for 30 years.
“Oliver!” was the movie that made street crime and child poverty fun.
The guy who said “in like a lion, out like a lamb” wasn’t talking about March. He was talking about sex.
Conservatives suppose too many things that are wrong. I call them suppositories.
Children are not the future. They’re already here.
I watched the last 45 minutes of the first Steven Seagal movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve now seen all of Steven Seagal’s movies.
After the dysentery virus got out of control, the incidents of diarrhea rose excrementally.
I realized I was getting old when I put juice on my cereal and milk on my cat.
Part of the problem with the American psyche is that the country is bordered, and possibly squeezed, by 2 very different countries. On the one side, you have a country full of people who are highly intelligent, educated, hard-working, and innovative, and on the other side you have Canada.
The sculpture of David where he has a really small penis is the statue of limitations.
I learned that there was one professional athlete whose hobbies weren’t hunting and fishing, but instead, reading and chess.
According to 2 people I know, refugees are all wealthy people who can’t be bothered to declare their wealth and get into a country easily.
I’m happy that ads now show plus-sized models but they’re all attractive so I wonder when ugly fat people are going to be in ads.
People who say they’re “under the weather” can’t explain what “over the weather” means.
“Brides Glue Component” would be a great name for a band.
The Jets made a trade with the Giants which doesn’t seem that remarkable until you know the teams were Winnipeg and San Francisco.
I didn’t catch the name of the woman in the therapy session; I think she said she was Ms. Ann der Stood.
I’m sorry I called Walter a “foreskin”. I meant to say a “bit of a dick”.
Sometimes you have to go back down the road you travelled to return to the fork in the road so you can take the other road. I don’t know what that means but it sure sounds profound.
The term is actually “Dead Sea Squirrels”.
It’s not really treason or corruption or obstruction of justice if a Republican says it’s OK.
Sometimes I have trouble with the letter “a”, and it’s very frustrating. I call it the irritable vowel syndrome.
Maria Sharapova grunts like that because of me.
Learning how to count is difficult.
The number one cause of death for non-smokers is telling smokers they should quit smoking.