22 Things I
Learned In 2018
by William Kitcher
There is a
proper, simple way of folding a fitted sheet, but
no one does that and instead just wraps it all up
in a ball and throws it in a drawer until needed.
Kids don’t know what to do with CDs.
People often talk about vacations and say it’s
a good time to go away. I don’t know why
that’s surprising. People are always saying
to me, “Bill, it’s a good time for you
to go away.”
If we start fining corporations for breaking the
law, where will it all end?
I’m not that patriotic; when the national
anthem is played, I sing only the 2nd verse.
A restaurant was advertising a special. Fish and
chips and a large Amsterdam blonde for $18.99.
Even without the food, that’s a good price
for a Dutch hooker.
Darrell is the kind of guy you forget as soon as
you meet him.
I thought the owner of the rent-a-porta-pottie
company was unnecessarily inquisitive. I asked
how much one cost, and he asked me how long I
needed it for, which seemed to me to be kind of
nosy. I told him a couple of minutes, and he told
me to go away.
The girls who were cute in Grade 7 stopped being
that within 10 years.
Emily has an inferiority complex, and it’s
well-deserved.
When you go into a grocery store through the
central entrance, and off to the left is the
poultry section, and off to the right is the
dairy section where the eggs are, you have to
decide which comes first, the chicken or the egg.
The expression “drunk as a skunk” isn’t
something I can figure out.
You should never say to someone, “My friend
had a nose like yours, and she had plastic
surgery.”
When you rip the balls out of a neighbourhood and
fill it with boutiques and cafes, that’s
called transgentrification.
If you don’t want to get punched in the head,
don’t say to a young couple, “Never
marry a woman for her beauty because men will
always be hitting on her, and when she gets old,
she won’t be beautiful anymore. I see you’ve
already taken my advice.”
If someone yells, “OK, everyone, penis
inspection!”, you don’t have to do it.
The woman on the street who asked me if I wanted
a free psychic reading obviously wasn’t very
good at her job.
Everyone has a novel in them, and I wish more
people would keep them internal.
The 2 sports that seem to have the most problems
with concussions – football and hockey
– are the same sports in which players
congratulate each other by butting their heads.
The copy of the book I just read is over 40 years
old, moldy, yellowed, dried out, and falling
apart, and so am I.
My manager got the job of Director of the
department because she was the only person who
could find the Vice-President’s penis.
“Remittance” means to put your gloves
on again.
You know you’re getting older when you’re
walking down the street, and you’re getting
closer to the Walk/Don’t Walk light, and you
don’t mind when it turns to Don’t Walk
because you realize you could use the rest.
I won’t ever learn how to count.
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