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20 Things I Learned In 2017
by William Kitcher

I didn’t learn anything in 2016.
If you live in a movie in which vampires exist, you shouldn’t be surprised if you get bitten.
My cousin can’t decide if he wants to be a politician or a manure salesman because the qualifications for both are the same.
I haven’t found Jesus because I didn’t know he was missing.
The alphabet should be arranged differently.
The vast majority of us now understand the concept of “don’t drink and drive”, so we need to start on “don’t drink and talk”.
People who use foreign expressions in their speech are so pretentious and have this je ne sais quoi.
In regards to prostitution, I don’t agree with exchanging money for sex; I think I should get it for free.
Narcolepsy isn’t a “sleep” problem”; it’s a “staying awake” problem.
I use semi-colons so often I’ve developed semi-colon cancer.
Learning that Barbara Stanwyck and Fred MacMurray were both Republicans, I now look at “Double Indemnity” less as a film noir classic and more as a meditation on Republican behaviour.
Guys on construction crews look like guys on construction crews.
Basketball fans yelling “defence” is like yelling “cut the hair” at a barbershop.
People who are killed in mindless shootings and accidents are often described as “great people”, “friendly”, “helpful”, “empathetic”, “full of life”, “a joy to be around”, so the secret to living a long life is to be a complete prick.
When you think you have one more sneeze in you but then you don’t sneeze, it hasn’t disappeared. It’s gone to Birmingham.
If Americans were really concerned about their national anthem and respect for it, they wouldn’t be yelling about athletes not standing during it; they’d stop pop singers from singing it.
Deborah is as cute as a button and as smart as a whip. Buttons aren’t cute and whips aren’t smart.
I don’t like my daughter. At her wedding, I didn’t give her away. I threw her away.
You can’t write down every brilliant thing you ever think of, which explains why I just wrote that down instead.
If you’re asked if you’re a cool person, and you say you are, that shows you’re not cool because a cool person would never say that they’re cool. So you have to say you’re not cool. But saying you’re not cool implies that you know you’re cool and that’s why you said it, and that’s not cool.
When you don’t want an egg yolk to break, such as when you’re making fried or poached eggs, they do, but when you don’t care, such as scrambled eggs, they don’t.
You know you’re old when you meet the son of a friend of yours, and he’s bald, and it’s not by choice.
I’m going to learn how to count.