17 Things I
Learned In The Second Half Of 2020
by William Kitcher
If we all
practice physical distancing, wash our hands a
lot, and wear masks, we can get through this.
Bubble wrap doesn’t have enough bounciness
when you’re jumping from the 3rd floor of a
burning building.
A good rule to follow is to never ever send an e-mail
after you’ve been drinking, but sometimes I
forget because I’ve been drinking.
There’s no such thing as a math problem. It’s
a math opportunity.
The U.S. presidential election in 2020 was the
most important election in U.S. history, which is
what commentators say every election.
Boys need strong male role models so they don’t
end up anti-social and violent, and it’s not
a good idea to ask my son-in-law if he’s
gonna hire a guy to do that or if he wants me to
visit more often.
Never comment when you see someone who has anal
glands on his face.
You can’t play euchre by yourself.
“Spring forward, fall back” is not
helpful in remembering what to do when you have
to change your clocks because, when I fall down,
I usually fall forward, and “spring back”
reminds me of a gazelle.
If you go back in time to witness the Big Bang,
either you’re inside it and you get blown up,
or you’re outside it and that’s not
possible. It’s more likely that the universe
was created last Tuesday.
Cutting down on business costs doesn’t work
when the phone numbers for the legal help centre
and the dating chat line are now the same.
The people who think it’s easy to teach are
the same people who tell the bar manager that it
must be fun to run a pub.
NFL wide
receivers are generally about as fast as their
defensive counterparts, the cornerbacks. But the
wide receivers know where they’re going, so
they should just run somewhere other than where
the cornerbacks think they’re going.
Ernest Hemingway apparently once said, “The
first draft of everything is shit.” I can
see his point, but it doesn’t explain why
his final drafts of “For Whom The Bell Tolls”
and “A Farewell To Arms” are also shit.
Socks and boxer shorts that I like wear out more
quickly than socks and boxer shorts that I don’t
like.
I’d like to have a drink with Dorothy Parker.
People are sometimes too stupid to perform simple
tasks like physical distancing, washing hands,
and wearing masks, and that’s why we’re
in the trouble we’re in.
When a politically correct magazine editor
rejects your story because she objects to the
word “menstruation”, it’s best not
to send her another story about a blind autistic
homeless gun-smuggling Mohawk transsexual with
Tourette’s who makes statues of slave-owners
out of the skins of endangered animals.
I can’t tell if I know how to count.
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