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16 Things I Learned In 2015
by William Kitcher

True story. An eight-year-old with an Uzi at an Arizona shooting range couldn’t handle the recoil and ended up killing the instructor. Nature’s way of weeding out the stupid.
When you flip through pages in a book to find the right place, all the pages flip one at a time until you get close to the page you want, and then they start flipping 2 or 3 at a time.
If you’re the kind of person who thinks that the glass is half-empty, pour me another one.
I repeat myself a lot. I repeat myself a lot.
The reason dogs often look at their humans is that they’re saying, “Hey, did you smell that??!!??”
When the instructions on the shampoo bottle say, “lather, rinse, repeat”, that doesn’t mean you should keep doing it until you use up the whole bottle.
Always look at the ground when you walk. That’s where money and dog poop fall.
They said, coming back from an injury at my age would be tough. They said, it would be really hard. They said, it would take hours and hours of work. They said, I would feel pain I’d never felt before. They said, it would be nearly impossible to achieve. They were right. I quit.
Sometimes I go out and rob people, just in case they have a winning lottery ticket.
Soccer is like drunk sex: you wait and wait and wait for something to happen and if it finally does, it’s usually a bit of dribbling and a poor shot.
If your feet get cold, put on a pair of socks.
The 3 things you shouldn’t talk about in bars are politics, religion, and sex. Oh, and money. And sports. And movies. And music.
“Affluent” and “effluent” are only one letter apart.
In movies, men never finish shaving.
The director of our department is almost completely illiterate. Even when she talks, she puts the apostrophes in the wrong places.
The difference between “passionate” and “argumentative” is whether or not you agree with the person.
I wish I knew how to count.
I know I will learn a lot in 2016.