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12 Things I Learned Before 2014
by William Kitcher

I don’t have to move out of my place after all. Turns out I live more than 1000 meters from that girls’ school.
There’s some kind of space-time distortion in my very warm kitchen. For several years now, the oven clock has said 425.
True story. The former head of the National Security Agency was on a train talking on the phone. A journalist overheard what he was saying and tweeted some of it. The NSA guy was alerted to this, and made comments to the journalist. He didn’t like the idea of being spied on.
If it wasn’t for capital punishment, we wouldn’t have a long weekend at Easter.
If you wanted to incinerate all the incinerators in the world, I don’t know how you would do that.
I drink to forget, and then I forget to drink.
You can get rid of poverty by making it rain more. I hardly ever see any panhandlers when it’s raining.
I was listening to this woman who said that you should always trust your instincts, and my instincts told me she was talking nonsense.
People fail to see the other possibilities for wind farms. Not only are they a clean renewable energy source, on those hot humid still days, you can hook them up to oil-fired generators to create a nice breeze.
When you’re in a hurry, other people exit the bus more slowly.
There’s a big difference between a linguistics student working part-time as a waitress to put herself through school and a waitress who didn’t finish her linguistics degree.
Newspapers write editorials in favour of proportional representation when their party has lost to a party of a different political stripe.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to never take advice from anyone.
I sort of learned how to tie my shoes.
My grandma’s phone # was Ravensbourne 4039.
I don’t know how to count.
I didn’t learn that much before 2014.