The Tabloid
Inquiry
‘Hello Mrs Reader.
Thank you for agreeing to give evidence to this
inquiry.’
‘Pleased to ‘elp.’
‘As you know, this is
an independent inquiry into the quality of
tabloid journalism in Britain today. You have
been invited as an example of the quintessential
tabloid reader.’
‘What’s quinty. .
. er. . . what you said?’
‘It means that you are
typical of most tabloid readers, and so your
opinions will represent those of the tabloid
readership.’
‘I’ve always done
me best to be average.’
‘Please tell the
inquiry why you read tabloid newspapers.’
‘Well, there’s
the ‘oroscopes an’ the CDs an’ the
special offers. Then there’s the news,
o’ course.’
‘Ah. What sort of news
interests you?’
‘I like best the stuff
about what celebs are sleepin’ wiv what
uvver celebs.’
‘You favour the
salacious material, then?’
‘What’s sally. .
. er. . . what you said?’
‘The naughty bits.’
‘Yeh. I like to read
what the uvver arf gets up to. Mind you, you get
a bit jealous of ’em too, so it’s
always good when they split-up, get arrested, go
into drug re’ab or sommit like that.’
‘Does the veracity of
tabloid articles concern you?’
‘What’s very. . .
er. . . what you said?’
‘It means that many of
the things written about people may not be true.’
‘I s’pose
it’d be better if stories were true - except
if it made ‘em borin’. I’d sooner
read sommit interestin’ and untrue than
sommit true an’ borin’.’
‘What about other news?’
‘The papers confirm
what I already know about millions o’ good
for nothin’ asylum seekers comin’ into
this country an’ committin’ all the
crimes. An’ ‘ow all kids are drunk 24/7
an’ attackin’ everyone - them that aint
bin abducted by paedos, that is. Then there’s
the revelations about ‘ow they keep
lettin’ all them people get away wiv it.’
‘Who lets which people
get away with what?’
‘I dunno, it changes
every day. If it wern’t for the papers, I
wouldn’t know what to be outraged about.’
‘Mrs Reader, as you
know, you are the last person from whom we are
taking testimony.’
‘What’s testy. .
. er. . . what you said?’
‘You are the last
person to tell us things. The tabloids have
already admitted that they are not too concerned
about truth; that they generate interest in
celebrities in order to later vilify them; and
that they promote paranoia and anger by selective
reporting of bad news - particularly about young
people and immigrants.’
‘That’s terrible.
Someone should stop ‘em.’
‘They say it’s
your fault.’
‘Me?’
‘Yes. They say they
feel dreadful about writing all those terrible
things but, if they didn’t, you wouldn’t
buy their newspapers and then they and their
families would starve.’
‘Well yes, but. . .’
‘The tabloid editors
said they’d had enough of being blackmailed
by you to print more and more sleaze and scandal.
I gather they’re going to run a series of
articles exposing you and your fellow readers,
revealing how you mercilessly drove them to the
unsavoury depths they now plumb.’
‘If the papers are
campaignin’ against it, then I’m wiv
‘em. Someone should do sommit about us
bastards!’
‘Quite.’
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tabloid Readers Shamed
Editors of the British
tabloid press united today to speak-out against
those who buy their newspapers.
‘They’re only
interested in sleaze and scandal,’ angrily
accused one editor. ‘For too long they’ve
blackmailed us into harassing celebrities and
other public figures, and then compelled us to
print pernicious lies about them.’
Another editor, who was too
frightened to be identified, tearfully told of
how he feared for the safety of his family.
‘If I didn’t print what those
lascivious, sadistic, bigoted bastards demanded,’
he sobbed, ‘they’d stop buying the
paper, and my wife and children would starve.’
Others underlined the
courage it had taken to finally stand-up to their
readers. ‘I couldn’t have done it alone,’
said the boss of a leading national tabloid.
‘The Tabloid Editors’ Support Group
helped me to realise I wasn’t alone. In
therapy, we spoke of how we had all come to hate
ourselves for dispensing with truth. We had all
lain awake at nights mortified at the interest we
had generated in celebrities for no purpose other
than to later vilify them.’
There is also huge guilt
among tabloid journalists about the way their
readers have forced them to portray immigrants
and young people. ‘There are not
millions of asylum seekers freely entering
Britain, and they are not committing all
crime,’ protested one reporter, ‘but if
we even implied this, circulation figures would
plummet.’
The same reporter recalled
the apology that his newspaper had been compelled
to issue when it had inadvertently suggested that
not all young people were drunk 24/7 and that not
all fourteen-year old girls were pregnant. 'The
article had commended the dedication and hard
work of young people and the credit they were to
Britain,' he revealed. 'My editor had feared that
it might lead to violent protests by readers.'
A spokesperson for British
tabloid editors confirmed that they were no
longer prepared to be the passive and helpless
victims of their readerships. She stated that the
newspapers had unanimously resolved to gradually
move towards a radical new policy of publishing
stories that were balanced and factually accurate.
She also confirmed that they would be running a
series of articles, ruthlessly exposing their
readers. ‘The reports,’ she promised,
‘will unflinchingly reveal the truth about
how these conscienceless psychopaths have
mercilessly driven tabloid journalism to the
unsavoury depths that it now plumbs.’
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